UnNews:Federal agents bust Mexican drug lab for "cutting into our profits"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Federal agents bust Mexican drug lab for "cutting into our profits"
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 14:39:UTC)(
5 June 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
CHICAGO -- U.S. agents, working in cooperation with the Mexican government, have closed down a lab in Mexico that might be the main source of a powerful painkiller that has killed at least 100 heroin users in eight states, the federal drug czar said Monday.
John Walters, director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, said that whilst the U.S. government had been aware of the lab's existence for some time, it was not until recently that the threat became severe enough to warrant action:
"Whilst any civilised nation clearly feels relief at the knowledge that a few smack-addled wastrels are no longer leeching off the welfare system," Walters said, "unfortunately the epidemic has reached such a proportion that the government is starting to suffer a severe profit loss on heroin imports, one of our main sources of revenue." Walters went on to state that the dealers may have started using Fentanyl because they were looking for a competitive advantage on the street, but he insisted on sending a clear message to them: "To any heroin dealers, I say this," he said, "The United States Government is the only safe and reliable supplier of uncut smack. We have years of experience in global imports and exports, and remain committed to providing the ghettos of America with the finest quality merchandise". He referred specific questions to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, which declined to provide details immediately, but reassured customers that the CIA should remain their first port of call for any narcotic requirements.