UnNews:Fed cuts rates 1/86 percentage point; People still broke
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Fed cuts rates 1/86 percentage point; People still broke
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 11:59:UTC)(
18 March 2008
The Federal Reserve was surprised on Tuesday when, after slashing interest rates by 1/86 of a percentage point, everybody was still poor. The rate cuts came after a series of turbulent decisions from the Bush administration and the Federal Reserve, as well as previous rate cuts of as much as 1/194 of a percent. The rate cuts were met with a drop in morale on Wall Street, leading to people still being broke. "We are just baffled", exclaimed Reserve chair and vice-chair Ben Bernanke and Phillip Republirich. "We really thought this 1/86 percent would work".
President Bush announced on Wednesday that he will do whatever necessary to get us out of the Recession we aren't in.
"We are confidant that we will make it out of it, doing whatever necessary to save the rich er- middle class of America, even going so far as to slash rates by 1/60 of a percent. Despite the fact that Beer Stains sold for $2 a share, gas is $110 plus a gallon and there is a decline in a country's gross domestic product, the stock market is fine, gas will go down, and READ MY LIPS, NO RECESSION!!!!
President Bush then proceeded to eat the questioning reporter. The rate cut Tuesday caps an unprecedented period of Fed actions aimed at trying to stabilize financial markets and ward off the recession we aren't in. This being larger than most cuts, many were surprised, such as brilliant economic analyst Jim Cramer. Cramer said the Sunday before the cuts that -- "NO NO NO, these rate cuts will work. We will all be rich right afterward, President Bush's approval rating will spike, and Gandhi will be revived". Cramer then proceeded to eat his own tie.
When questioned about the tiny amount of the rate cuts and the possibility that that’s why nothing happened, Republirich said "Who are you, Henry Waxman?", to which Mr. Waxman replied "Yes". After twitching for a moment, Republirich said "Why the fuck are you hassling me? There’s a governor who got a blowjob for chriss-sakes".