UnNews:Fed Loosens Noose
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Fed Loosens Noose
We distort, you deride
Monday, November 30, 2015, 22:30:UTC)(
28 February 2008
WASHINGTON—The Federal Reserve announced this Wednesday that it plans to slightly loosen the noose by which the national economy is hanging.
"The economic situation has become ever-so-slightly more, um, strangling," admitted Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke in a recent press conference. "Now, remember, just slightly more." Nevertheless, Bernanke announced plans to "definitely do something soon. Yeah, we do have very definite plans" to prevent the total asphyxiation of the economy.
The economy was quoted as saying, "Yarrgh-herrrrrrn-spluttle!"
Economists have for weeks predicted this reaction by the Reserve. "Incoming barometers continue to suggest the possibility of imminent strangulation," said economic analyst Calvin Gerard. According to Gerard and other prominent economists, symptoms of economic strangulation include "sluggish reactions; runaway inflation, especially around the fingers and toes; and a bluish tinge to lips and extremities".
However, economists disagree about whether the economy has already asphyxiated. "Look, his foot kind of twitched for a second there," said Stephen Howitzer, whose popular financial newsletter, Beat the Market!, recently changed its name to We're All Going to Freaking DIE!
Last month, the Federal Reserve loosened the economy’s noose by a record .07 Newtons of tension. Meanwhile, President Bush and Congress contemplated more direct stimulus, such as lending the economy as much as ten meters of slack. But, since this is a Democratic Congress, all proposed measures languished in committee like roadkill roasting in the sun.
Meanwhile, President Bush expressed confidence in the Federal economic stimulus program: "See, we tickled him in that foot. That very foot. Just you wait: it'll all get better soon. Let's not jump the gun and tickle his other foot. We have to wait for it to take effect."
Following the Reserve's initial loosening and the Federal stimulus, the economy bounced up slightly, a phenomenon economists call "death-throes". President Bush again stressed that "there's really nothing to worry about, unless you're stupid enough to invest in American currency." The economy is currently dangling several meters below the Euro, the Yen, and the Republic Datary.
A spokesman of the European Union was quoted as saying, “Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!”
- ↑ Seriously: it's the Federal Reserve. Don't tell me it came as a huge surprise.