UnNews:Fed Announces New Lending Plan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
8 July 2008
WASHINGTON - In an effort to prolong and worsen our economic woes, U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Tuesday that the Fed will issue new rules next week aimed at ensuring they have a monopoly on shady lending practices. "People can't be trusted to spend their money poorly on their own," Bernanke said today at a press conference on Capitol Hill. "We want to spend it badly for them."
The sweeping plan would include strict new rules against private lenders giving money to people with "subprime credit," - people with a low likelihood of being able to pay back their loans. "Frankly, this is a market only the government should have access to," he said. "We plan on spending money we do not have to bail out companies on Wall Street who have squandered their own money already, and enable them to squander tax dollars as well."
After debriefing the press on what is to come, he congratulated Congress and the President for their accomplishment of sustaining a deep deficit and therefore increasing the effect of the Federal Reserve's lending practices. "Our tactics wouldn't be half as destructive to our nation without the cooperation of Congress, and for this they have my eternal gratitude." In a question and answer session with the press afterwards, one reporter pointedly criticized the Fed for not doing enough, prompting Bernanke to state that the Federal Reserve "still had tricks up it's sleeve," and that the current plan by no means exhausts the options at their disposal. "Interest rates are still at 3.5%, for instance, and that leaves a whole lot of room for future devasting cuts."