UnNews:February 31st arrives; Scientists baffled
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February 31st arrives; Scientists baffled
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 10:14 (UTC)
31 February 2007
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Scientists everywhere were stunned to find 2007 calendars included 31 days of February instead of the traditional 28. After analyzing solar movements and lunar equivernoxes, it was concluded that the additional days were not merely a misprint. 2007 will be the first year in recent memory to include 368 days. The last time a year was unexpectedly extended was in 1918, when an extra week was discovered in July.
Although former Vice President Al Gore continues to blame global warming, researchers have reached another conclusion. Geologist Franklin Port explains, "The earth has long been thought to be hollow, much like a hamster ball, and it spins only because the hamster inside is running circles around the sun. When the hamster, who we have decided to name Philbert, stops running, the Earth ceases to move and cannot complete it's orbit."
This theory has garnered support among scientists worldwide, discrediting competing theories such as the Space Wind Resistance Theory, the Paris Hilton Vacuum Theory, and the antiquated Laws of Newtonian Physics.
What effect the three additional days will have is still unclear. The Reverend Al Sharpton has pointed out that Black History Month is now three days longer, which proves that Philbert loves his homies. Anna Nicole Smith's scheduled March funeral is unlikely to ever take place. And of course Little Timmy, born March 1st, may or may not get a birthday this year.
There has so far been no conclusion on how to begin the process of jump-starting the world. One researcher has suggested that all one billion Chinese should simultaneously run East to start the ball rolling. Others have offered ideas of boring massive hamster pellets into the crust to appease Philbert. Tom Cruise has publicly announced his intention to return to his home planet, seeing as how Earth is now kaput.
Professor Port laments, "We have to come to grips with the fact that Philbert was pretty old for a hamster, and we might just be screwed."