UnNews:Fate thrust upon man
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Fate thrust upon man
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 16:34:UTC)(
9 May 2007
NORTHERN GEORGIA - Sean Hendrix had no idea what was about to happen to him. It started as a perfectly typical day. Sean woke up and brushed his teeth, made his usual breakfast of ham and eggs, and departed to the laundromat to drop off the days supply. That's when it happened.
On the way to the laundromat, two man emerged from a dark alley and pulled him in so quick that no one else could even notice. Sean was in shock, and couldn't get an accurate look at the two men, but he got a bad feeling in his gut. He knew they were up to something, but he didn't know to what extent his life would never be the same.
One of the perpetrators drew from his jacket what appeared to be a large bowling ball, thrust it into Sean's hands, and ran off as soon as they came. Sean could not comprehend what just happened, and took a few minutes to gather his bearings. What happened next was the first in a series of events that would trouble Sean 'til the present day.
As he examined the heavy ball, he was approached from the shadows by two figures. Sean, figuring it was the same two men, dropped the ball and started right for one of the men. He had him grabbed by the collar before he noticed they weren't the same men, but in fact resembled unusually large raccoons.
"Hark! It is the Chosen One, lost from our sacred lands of Vxyalia. We have come to lead you back to your homeland so that you might destroy the oppressing powers of the Xzlusar!" One of the figures cried prophetically. Sean was absolutely stunned, and he gazed at the bowling ball, and noticed it was monogrammed in large numbers with the word "FATE". He now understood, he had contracted Fate.
Fate is a more common disease than you may think. Each day, thirty more people get fate, either having it thrust upon them or, sometimes, being born into it. There is no known cure for fate currently, and its effects include being approached by elusive or extraordinary figures from faraway lands you have not heard of.
Needless to say, Sean was stunned by this whole turn of events, and cast the strange Vxyalians away as he tried to continue his normal routine, but it was too late to simply avoid his fate. The raccoon warriors returned day after day demanding that he was, of course, one of them and was a fool to dodge saving the last of his race. Sean told the warriors he was not a raccoon like they were, he was pretty sure he was a black man, and slammed the door in their faces. Despite this, they persisted in annoying him.
Sean simply couldn't stand it anymore, and was slowly being driven insane. Was he really a Raccoon Man from Vxyalia? Was it really his destiny to wield the Xspagalinch against Gorud-Naythor on the shimmering hills of Vladisnoft? Had he been living a lie this whole time?
He found no other option, and had to simply accept that he had Fate, and abandoned his mid-level lodge to journey across the world to his new homeland. He would later report that he "didn't have a half bad time with this whole kismet thing. Those raccoon guys were actually pretty nice. And about all those kick-ass times I had in Vxyalia... you know Lord of the Rings? Yeah, except it's real."
Sean is just another one of the several thousand people in this world that have had fate thrust upon them, and they live to cope with it, and even enjoy it. His story is one of bravery, though sadly also one of brevity. Just two hours after his quest was completed and he carried out two interviews, he spontaneously combusted. It is the fate of every person infected with Fate to spontaneously combust when their fate is completed, and Sean was no exception. He was 27.