UnNews:Fat bastards "not to blame" for "eating all the pies"
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Fat bastards "not to blame" for "eating all the pies"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 06:22:UTC)(
17 October 2007
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FAT BASTARDS no longer can be held responsible for the over-eating of pies so the government must now be proactive to stop Britains Lard-asses from eating "too many pies", a report has concluded. The report suggests that fat people are just "too damn stupid" to realise that eating too many pies is bad.
"It seems that the stock excuse of these people is its either a 'glandular' problem or that their 'bones are too big'" one of the report authors, Garnish McGravy, said this morning, "The best one I heard from a 67 stone gentleman was that his weight was 'mostly muscle, which is heavier than fat.'"
"This was rather ironic as the man in question hadn't been out of bed for 30 years!"
David Meatspud, himself 57 stone, was, unsurprisingly, critical of the report. "I need to eat lots of pies as I have a high meta-bollick-schism. If some of these recommendations go through then I could starve to death, I don't think the authors of this report want THAT on their concience!".
"Also, you'll find that my weight is down to genetics; Not only am I big boned but that most of my weight is down to muscle, which everyone knows is much heavier than fat!"
Tragically, shortly after his interview Mr Meatspud was crushed to death by himself after he slipped on a half eaten steak & kidney pie. He leaves behind a wife (34 stone) and two sons (76 and 45 stone respectively).
The report recommends that people "of a certain weight" should be compelled to eat less pies by introducing a weight-ratio tax where the fatter you are the more tax you pay on pies. Another, more radical, option would be to introduce an annual cull of obese people where a set quota would be bludgeoned to death and their blubber sold on to Japan.
"If we can save more whales at the same time as reducing obesity then that has to be a good thing, doesn't it?" Mr McGravy said shortly before tutting derisorily at a fat man munching on a kebab.