UnNews:Fat Kid Drinks 10 Liters of Pure Caffeine, Destroys City
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Fat Kid Drinks 10 Liters of Pure Caffeine, Destroys City
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016, 13:58:UTC)(
25 February 2012
Los Angeles, California -- Eric "Chubs" Cartman (not to be confused with Eric Cartman of South Park) is a 12 year old boy weighing 500 lbs from Los Angeles. Chubs was walking down the street one day eating ice cream (from the whole carton, not a cone) when he saw a Coca Cola truck. His greedy little hands began to sweat with excitement and he waddled all 10 ft (3 meters) to the truck. He was completely out of breath, so he failed to notice that the truck was carrying over 100 liters of pure caffeine to the near-by Coca-Cola factory. He then found a tube, stuck it in his mouth an turned the nozzle.
Caffeine surged into him and he could barely walk after 1 minute. He had consumed almost 10 liters of pure caffeine. He felt sick for a second, until finally the caffeine surged into his blood. The Coca Cola truck exploded, he was bouncing around all over the place destroying buildings, cars, people, furries, gays, whatever got in his way. The city first thought it was another earthquake. So they didn't panic and life resumed. But they learned that it was a fat kid, and they had never heard of that before so they immediately began to panic. Building collapsed, gas line exploded. It only got worse. Chubs's shock waves triggered a severe earthquake which the city was never even prepared for. The pressure became so great that the faultline ripped Los Angeles into pieces and covered it in lava.
Chubs was captured by the U.S military and is now being contained in his living room. He will soon have liposuction.
Los Angeles was completely destroyed as was Hollywood, so no more crappy movies were ever made again and the world was at peace.
Currently, child psychiatrists are trying to identify the pathological cause of his caffeine-laden rage. Estimates include ADD, OCD, ADHD and Autism. But no guess was right, because kids will be kids.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|