UnNews:Fashion writer handed life sentence for rape, murder of garbageman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Fashion writer handed life sentence for rape, murder of garbageman
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 14:08:UTC)(
17 November 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BARNSTABLE, Massachusetts -- Fashion writer Christina Worthington, 46, was found guilty today on charges of first-degree murder, rape, and burglary in the case of African-American Cape Cod garbageman Christopher McCowen. McCowen's body was discovered in January 2002 in a pool of blood in Worthington's house, launching a three-year investigation that eventually led to the arrest of Worthington after a DNA match in late 2004. During the trial, prosecutors argued Worthington and McCowen had gradually become friends and lovers, and Worthington had planned for his murder in early 2002, mere moments after the duo had sex for the last time.
Judge Gary Nickerson sentenced Worthington to life without possibility of parole, though the verdict did not come easily. Several of the all-black jury members broke into open weeping as the proceedings closed. For them, the issue of race-motivated crime stuck close to home.
"Damn right we ain't lettin' that bitch off, nigga," said juror Tamisha Johnson in a press conference after the trial had ended, her face bespeckled with crumbs as she munched on a bucket of fried chicken. "Cracka's got to learn to keep her pasty hands offa the bruthas. Mah only regret is that in the joint she'll probably get alla black pussy she could ever want. Shit. Listen, all you white cunts out there. You want to fuck with mah man, i'mma shove the gavel o' muthafuckin' justice up yo ass."In 2005, Johnson's son Tyrone suffered severe ego bruising when a white businessman actually dared make eye contact with him. In response, Johnson stabbed the man seventeen times. The man was charged with hate crimes and ordered to pay the Johnsons annual reparations for the next thirty years.
The evidence concluded that Worthington, who had met McCowen through his regular garbage route, had sex with him and proceeded to beat him, though there was no hard evidence that Worthington herself was the murderer. She claimed that one of her friends, a fellow coffeehouse groupie, had been the one to actually plunge the ballpoint pen into McCowen's heart. However, under Massachusetts state law, any accomplice that participates in a murder, even if the person was not themselves the murderer, can be charged with the crime. Police have not yet arrested the friend in question, though this may be simply because of their lingering fear of Starbuck's.
The prosecution alleged that Worthington, a fashion columnist and bestselling white supremacist author, had killed McCowen out of a fear of how a sexual fling with an African-American man would be perceived by the public. Her nonfiction works include Black People are Overgrown Monkeys, Africa- The Continent of Savagery, and The Necessity of the Reinstitution of Slavery in the Modern Era. In particular, it appears that Worthington wanted to deny that she fell prey to the old adage once you go black you never go back, a mantra she tried particularly hard to discredit. In the end, however, it seemed her craving for black men became overwhelming.
Marsha Paisley, another of Worthington's friends, recalled a 2002 conversation in which she first became suspicious of Worthington. "She started going off on this odd rant about how much she loved chocolate sausage. At first I thought she was talking about some sort of obscure German dessert, but as she was describing the way the cream filling spurted out, I realized the conversation had turned much darker. Literally."