UnNews:Farage defects to US
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Farage defects to US
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 21, 2017, 20:03:UTC)(
27 November 2016
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- On the heels of using Twitter to convince the State of Indiana not to leave the United States, President-elect Donald Trump has virtually given Brexit-champion Nigel Farage leave to enter.
Farage is ready to immigrate to the U.S., joining millions of squeegee men and welfare cheats from Latin America to Ukraine. Farage said he would feel "freer" in America to make hare-brained proposals, apparently unaware that the U.S. Constitution has no provision at all for a federal referendum.
Farage said he was recently threatened on a night out, something he felt sure would never happen in America, least of all to an elected official attending the theatre. "I've got no life," he suddenly realised. "Couldn't even think about a Friday-night pub crawl." This dilemma would be avoided in the States, where they are not called that at all, and are usually cleanly shaven.
Last week, Trump tried to coax Britain into tossing aside its ambassador to the U.S. and replacing him with Farage — one of the few failures of Trump's persuasive tweets. Farage is now angling for an appointment to represent the U.S. at the European Union, where he could continue telling them what twits they are.
Trump could use one of Barack Obama's pen-and-a-phone "waivers" to bypass the requirements in immigration law, such as showing some benefit to the new host country. Obama might be persuaded to sign the waiver himself — and, if Farage appeared at the White House in blackface, be granted one of Obama's swan-song pardons in case he destroys government documents or deals cocaine.
Farage would still have to learn about the concept of states, and select one to live in. The smart money is on California, where virtually anything can be put up to a November vote. And, it has porn stars.
Farage would also have to take language lessons to lose his Elizabethan accent. This means he would have to decide whether he wants to speak Yooper like Sarah Palin, sprout a twang like when Hillary Clinton tries to sound like a Negro, or use some other accent.
Farage might not just become a U.S. ambassador. His move has already sparked the perennial talk that the Speaker of the House does not have to be a member of the House. Every two years, talk radio proposes bringing back Newt Gingrich or appointing the guy in the Tigger suit at Disney World. Current Speaker Paul Ryan was slow to endorse Trump and has recently been objecting to Trump's agenda, which incidentally is the same one his own party has been promising Americans for two decades it would do if it only had the Senate and the Presidency too. Ryan could be moved to a more suitable position, such as Ambassador to the Seychelles.