UnNews:Far Left repudiates Far Right's surrender
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
28 May 2009
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Pope Rush Limbaugh of the Far Right Conservative Christian Republicans attempted to surrender to Pope Michael Shermer of the Far Left Liberal Secular Humanist Democrats today, prompting an outcry from Lefties throughout America.
Pope Limbaugh has cited several items in his Unconditional Surrender, noting that there is now a Socialist Democrat African American in the White House, a Congress that is virtually a Democratic majority, and a media and State university system that is near exclusively liberal. He further cited that courts have long been anti-God and liberally biased.
“Given all of that, it is clear that we are the oppressed minorities in this once great land. We have no choice but to concede defeat, and pray for such mercy as the Far Left victors choose to grant us.” Said Pope Limbaugh in a statement released from Far Right Headquarters in Salt Lake City, Utah.
But Far Left Pope Shermer angrily rejected the surrender in it’s entirety. “This is a ridiculous and petty stunt from those Far Righters who have hounded and harried us everywhere. They’ve forbade science in our schools, outlawed sex education that includes free condoms and syringes, forced ‘in God we trust’ on our very currency, and stolen all the radio stations in America with which to blast out their Goddist Propaganda. I tell you that they’ve made it impossible for anyone to express Far Left beliefs without being branded a ‘commie’. Their witch hunt for all who don’t believe as them continues, and they still are trying to force women to go shoeless.”
Pope Shermer then maintained that given all the facts, that it was his Far Left that was the oppressed minority, and if anything,they should be surrendering to the Far Right. He cited that homeschooling movements were present in all fifty states, that gays were still not allowed to marry in most states, and that church attendance still occurred with disturbing regularity – even amongst Far Left political leaders.
"Self-proclaimed ‘Pope’ Limbaugh thinks he’s real cute," said a source inside the Far Left Headquarters in Boston, Ma. “Pretending to be the victim, when they are definitely the victimizers. We’re the underdogs, always have been, always will be, and he’d best not forget it!”
The history of this vast conflict goes back some decades, believed to have originated in the forties, when then Pope Ayn Rand of the Far Right claimed that the Far Left’s taxes and propaganda movies were turning America into “the newest Soviet State of Amerika”. Far Left Pope Alger Hiss blasted back that no left leaning person could express himself in film, sexuality or politically without being hounded by McCarthyist Thought Police.
Each claimed to be on the losing side of a vast ideological Cold War.
Claims of losing heated up on both sides after the Left/Right Cold War turned Red Hot in the sixties, a revolutionary conflict that all claimed to have resoundingly lost. “We started out trying to bring peace and light and pot into the world,” said Cardinal Abbie Hoffman of the Far Left. “But the movement got brutally beaten down by the Establishmentarian pigs and the running Far Right dogs of the FBI. Fuck this shit.”
“Nonsense”, responded Cardinal Barry Goldwater of the Far Right. “These Far Left hippies have overturned laws against living in sin, and have made draft dodging seem heroic. They wear shirts that have obscenities scrawled on them, and openly renounce God, family and apple pie. We are definitely losing. Darn this nonsense.”
A look back over the seventies, eighties, nineties and noughts seem to leave the issue of who will ultimately gain defeat in doubt. A standard fund raising letter of the Far Right cites that in the last forty years they’ve lost on the abortion issue with the Roe vs. Wade decision, the draft dodgers being pardoned, increased taxes, a takeover of the media and colleges, a banning of prayer in schools, and homosexuality not being a stoning offense any more.
But a standard fund raising letter of the Far Left tells a different tale, one of loss that seems the equivalent to the Far Right’s. This letter describes how prostitution is still illegal, pot smoking a crime, and how the Far Right has made it impossible to refer to soldiers as “Baby Killers” any more. “The sight of those ‘Support Our Troops’ ribbons made me sick, especially since I had to have one on my car. Had I not, I’d probably not have been promoted. Damn the Far Right!” whined one Far Lefter, “Truly, we are the downtrodden in this new 'Christian Theocracy of America'!"
A Far Righter rebutted that Far Left man’s claim of oppression. “Oh, you had to have a ribbon on your car, what a pity!”, he ranted. “What of my poor white heterosexual son off in college? He was made to attend mandatory PC meetings, awareness seminars and Take Back the Night vigils just for whistling at a coed! It is we who are the oppressed by this new ‘Socialist People’s Republic of Amerika’!”
From an incredible decrease of constitutional rights, to an incredible increase in taxes, the war rages on each decade. At this point, we see the still ongoing battle between these two titanic ideological contenders, each getting ready to lose various upcoming battles. Battles like who will be oppressed over Affirmative Action laws, who will be oppressed over tax vouchers for education, who will be oppressed over health care, who’s most oppressed over wire taps and waterboarding. Each side has expressed confidence that it is their side who will be most oppressed, and the other that will be victorious in telling them how to live, think, work and play.
The Far Right is already planning to suffer the massive loss of fully Nationalized Health Care, and the Far Left is making preparations to lose by the increased military intervention in other nations. Each side is also preparing to lose a staggeringly wide range of tax and regulatory proposals that each have continuously levied against each other since 1945. Pope Limbaugh’s Unconditional Surrender being repudiated, and an Unconditional Surrender of the Far Left being drafted by Pope Shermer, it does not seem likely that this battle will soon be lost.
Except, of course, by the always losing Moderate Middle of the Just Leave Us Alone faction. We were unable to reach their Pope, as he’s been in exile, as have his predecessors, for the past sixty years. Catching an elusive Moderate Middy in the street, she declined comment, as she had to keep looking for work as her daughter needs prescriptions she can't afford. She had recently lost her job to a less qualified minority. She'd stay at home, but the girls father was killed in Tikrit shortly after our victory in Iraq, for not having a bullet resistant vest.