UnNews:Fangirl satisfied by Wii
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Fangirl satisfied by Wii
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, April 24, 2017, 11:34:UTC)(
28 November 2006
COWELL, CANADA - A MySpace user with a login Fangirl, shocked the Cactus High School in the small town of Cowell, near Ontario, Canada by doing it with the wii. That's the Nintendo Wii for folks like you and me. She announced in her myspace blog that she's no longer a virgin, having a wii inside her.
The cute little girl, as she is depicted in her myspace space, claims that she was unfairly born into a devout christian's house. Citing God's vengeance upon people who claims to be devout christians, but aren't, she decides to get a Nintendo Wii. A decision supported by her parents who thought that an entertainment system is okay as long as she does not buy the ones from evil companies. In this case, the evil but not too evil Sony and the openly agent of the devil, Micro$oft. They even donated $10 to her cause of getting her own Wii. The rest, they said, she would have to slave to 'earn' the money.
So, the blog claims, after being disapointed by her parents, she called them "cheapskates" behind their back. That is, on the myspace blog for fear of spanking which her dad's always too eager to execute even for the slightest of mistakes.
For three days and three nights she slaved at the McPherson's house. Another devout christian. Cleaning chandeliers, and statue after statue of Mary and Jesus gettin' it on. Gettin' it on to heaven, that is. Where she also found a more disturbing statue that she eventually had to clean of the McPherson's washing Jesus' feet with their hairs. "That was disgusting, I mean, nobody wash their dishes with their hair, let alone some guy's feet." Claims the blog. The work and a "special" favour which she refuse to tell, earned her almost $500 bucks.
That is until she bought the Nintendo Wii and $250 worth of games. Including the x-rated Saving Ryan's Private. She admitted that she has never heard of the Wii until it's Canadian launching event at the local mall. Attended by the entire resident of Cowell and Ontario. All 500 people of them.
When she got home, she plugs the Nintendo Wii into the TV and crank up the ice-powered-generator for electricity. Then she plugs the Wii controller into her. That's right. Into her. After reading the instructions to the hot new game "Saving Ryan's Private" where any female with a working female genitalia can depart on a conquest to save Mr. Ryan's private. The game enables every human with the female genitalia to experience what's it's like to become Mr. Ryan whose private needs to be saved by copulating with as many biological creatures that is compatible with Mr. Ryan's private as possible within 24 hours or the private would explode. The game is played by swinging the hips with the wii controller inside which detects the movement of the hip. The more arousing her movement is, the better the chance to save Mr. Ryan's private.
After completing the game four times in a row, she claims in her blog that she's pregnant. And that prompted one of her snitch friend to snitch to her parents. A doctor's visit was prompted. Which verified that she was indeed, impregnated by a Wii. The verdit prompted a punishment. She was grounded in her bedroom for a month. She's not allowed to go out. Not even for school or meals. Her food is being delivered through a small tray-hole on the bottom of her door.
"The joke's on them" fangirl writes laughingly on her blog. "my buying the wii was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now with my being grounded, I can play with my wee, I mean wii all day long for an entire month. Then I'll get me my own baby. This is my punishment for them to bring me up without letting me choose my own religion. Although I would still choose christianity. I'm waiting for that new game exclusive to the Nintendo Wii to come out. Gettin' it on with God."