UnNews:Famous person does something
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Famous person does something
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 28, 2017, 22:22:UTC)(
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LOS ANGELES, California -- Today in Beverly Hills Famous Celebrity gave an exclusive interview to 'Famous People Magazine', 'Beautiful People Magazine' and 'Celebrity Pets Magazine' about how well her new dog fits in with her new wardrobe.
She took time out from her busy schedule, regularly filled with important tasks like not eating, to tell 'Fashion! Magazine' and 'Hair & Makeup Mag' about who she wore at the last World Fashion Awards telecast. In the exclusive eight-page spreads she showed off the new baby or child that she got from a poor, dirty country that doesn't have a shining star filled with shining stars in it, like Hollywood and its stars, like Famous Hollywood Actor and Famous Hollywood Actress.
Later, after not eating the fabulously expensive dinner for which she didn't have to pay at a fabulous restaurant, she, in an exclusive interview with 'Inside Entertainment Magazine', 'Inside Entertainment Television ' and 'Entertaining Tonite! Television', came clean on her harrowing descent into drug dependency after she became addicted to placebos.
In other important news, Famous Hollywood Actor was doing something in...
WASHINGTON, DC -- Famous Hollywood Actor, star of many pictures for which he was paid several million dollars to earnestly pretend to be a hero of some sort, stood in front of the Capitol today with important information critical to the future of the entire world. During the press conference he informed the public about who to vote for in an election of some sort that may be coming up. Soon. 2008, probably. His performance will surely earn him a nomination for the coveted Best Press Conference Award in this year's Television Award Show.
Famous Hollywood Actor, a man who takes time out from his busy days being pampered by a cadre of assistants who are paid to do things for him, things that normal people do for themselves, said at the press conference after the press conference that it is vitally important that you vote for The Other Guy rather than The Incumbent Guy.
"The Incumbent Guy doesn't understand what's good for this country here that I am in now." said Famous Hollywood Actor, "I once played a politician in a film that you may have seen, and let me tell you, if its box office receipts of almost one hundred and fifty million dollars worldwide does not make me an expert on running a city or a state or a country, or on choosing the best candidate for those jobs, I don't know what does."
Famous Hollywood Actor was nominated for an award for his role in the film that he mentioned in his speech. Other famous Hollywood actors, like Famous Hollywood Actor and Famous Hollywood Actor, were also nominated for that same award, but fans of both Famous Hollywood Actor and the other nominated famous Hollywood actors were shocked when, instead of Famous Hollywood Actor or one of the other famous Hollywood actors, the award was won by the black sheep of the group, Famous Hollywood Actor, for his award-winning role in a movie. The film, 'Important Historical Event', was a fictionalized account of an important historical event and Famous Hollywood Actor played the central person in that event; a common everyman who overcomes adversity of some kind.
Needless to say, after not winning the award Famous Hollywood Actor wished that he was in...
ASPEN, Colorado -- In this quiet and sleepy town where, unlike Hollywood, people like Famous Hollywood Actor and Famous Hollywood Actress can get away from the pressure of being famous Hollywood actors and actresses and instead hang around and relax with other famous Hollywood actors and actresses, Famous Hollywood Actress staged a protest.
"We must stop these evil land developers from developing the land around this quiet and sleepy town." said Famous Hollywood Actress, while surrounded by people who get paid to tell her how great and smart and pretty she is. They also get her coffee sometimes.
Developers are planning to turn a small area of the quaint woods that surround Aspen, ones that weren't clear-cut for ski slopes, with low-cost housing. They say that it is necessary because the people that cook the food that people like Famous Hollywood Actress eat and that make the beds that people like Famous Hollywood Actor sleep on while visiting Aspen can't afford to live there. They blame this on the blameless good and environmentally conscious land developers who cater to people like Famous Hollywood Actor, Famous Hollywood Actress, and other famous celebrities like Famous Celebrity, who have pushed up the price of land to the point where regular, ugly, not famous people with unibrow and oily skin have been pushed out. Some of the regular, ugly, not famous people with bad haircuts and crooked teeth who work in Aspen have to commute daily from as far away as Not Aspen, or even Also Not Aspen.
"We didn't pay all this money to visit Aspen to be surrounded by people that are not famous Hollywood actors and not famous Hollywood actresses." continued Famous Hollywood Actress, "If they stay, we go."
If this development goes ahead, agents of Famous Hollywood Actor and Famous Hollywood Actress say that their clients will have no choice but to vacation at the...
NORTH POLE, Arctic -- Famous Hollywood Actor, star of both 'Big Budget Blockbuster', 'Big Budget Blockbuster 2: The Blockbustering' and 'Quirky $20,000,000 Independent Film' handcuffed himself to something to protest what people are doing to places.
"People are destroying this valuable and irreplaceable resource." said Famous Hollywood Actor to the flock of photographers, interviewers, hairdressers and hangers-on. "We flew you up here on a private jet to see what we are throwing away by being so wasteful, and to watch me be all emotional about this thing that I have believed in strongly ever since my agent told me that it was important. I, as a famous Hollywood actor, only believe in things that are important."
Famous Hollywood Actor flew to the Arctic on a private jet with his private chef, private masseuse, private masseur and several tons of wood and old tires for what Famous Hollywood Actor called "...a wicked bonfire". Reporters, photographers and miscellaneous people were flown in on a second private jet; one that that wasn't as nice. A third jet was chartered to fly in sushi from Japan and sharkfin soup from China, while a fourth jet flew water from Spain so that the assembled crowd could experience what nature tastes like.
Famous Hollywood Actor took time out from his selfless protest to selflessly point out that he selflessly started the pro-things & stuff group Famous Actors Karing Environmentally and donated a rumored large sum of money to the tax-deductible organization. The group is well on its way to being helpful to things and stuff. Soon, Famous Actors Karing Environmentally plans to save a tree or something.
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the heap...
NOWHERESVILLE, Georgia -- Ted Somethingorother, of no fixed address, still has no fixed address.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|