UnNews:Famous bus-riding cat run over; Stephen Hawking suspect
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Famous bus-riding cat run over; Stephen Hawking suspect
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 22:52 (UTC)
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25 January 2010
The now-ironically named Casper became famous for getting on the No3 bus and riding it around the city every day for four years. Sadly, the novelty cat was found dead last week on the street before he had a chance to catch his ride.
Casper's owner Susan Finden, 65, was devastated by her pet's demise. "I can't understand how this could happen," she told the local newspaper. "You wouldn't think letting your cat wander off to ride public transportation all the time would be dangerous."
Passengers of the No3 were also saddened by the news. Most had grown accustomed to the feline riding with them. Some would sit by him to pet him or give him a treat of some kind. In the last few months, Casper slept with the local bum in the back seat. "It's going to be hard sleeping without him on my belly from now on," said Creepy Willy.
Bus driver Rob Stonehouse has fond memories of the cat as well. "Every day as soon as Casper was ready to get off, he would reach his paw up and pull the cord." Wiping the tears from his eyes, Stonehouse said, "Cute little bugger. I'm sure gonna miss him."
Sue Finden proclaimed while burying Casper, "There will never be another non-cartoon cat like him again."
While some speculate this incident was a kitty suicide, sane people see it as a simple hit and run. Police are doing an investigation on who ran over Casper. A hot tip came from one John Modus, who claims the perpetrator was none other than world-famous theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.
Modus told police over the phone, "It's true! I saw him run over the cat with my own eyes! The bastard flattened him like a pancake!" He continue with great passion, "This isn't the first time he's done it either! He ran over my tabby three years ago, yet no one believes me!"
When asked what he thought Hawking's motives were for running over cats, he responded, "Is it not obvious? This is all an experiment to test the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics. He's killing off cats left and right to see if they remain alive in parallel universes!" Modus then screamed from the top of his lungs, "WE MUST STOP THIS MANIAC BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN!"
UnNews officially retracts the "sane people" statement.
A handful of Plymouth citizens say that they might have seen a crippled scientist rolling down the streets the day Casper was run over. However, the only evidence that could be used against him is the tire mark across the cat's back, which is suspiciously thin for any possible vehicle. Constable Nigel Clemens told reporters, "Until we can compare the tire mark to that of his electric wheelchair, Hawking will stay a free man."
Stephen Hawking's soulless, robotic voicebox could not be reached for comment.
- "Cat who boarded same bus every day for four years killed in 'hit and run'". Daily Mail, January 19, 2010