UnNews:Fairytale wedding in Monaco will really happen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Fairytale wedding in Monaco will really happen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 11:30:UTC)(
30 June 2011
MONACO, Fairyland -- Recent rumours regarding a last-minute retreat of the bride have disturbed wedding preparations in the fabulous mini-country of Monaco. To stop further trouble, the Monaco Royal Press Office has issued a statement that clearly points out the facts and the falsehoods in this matter:
- Allegations that Monaco is identical with, or comparable to, the Playboy mansion, are completely untrue. Brides do not, we repeat not, flee from marriage with our noble Prince. The Princess-to-be appears in the local press always fully clothed.
- Allegations that Prince Albert is long dead and has been replaced by a poorly animated wax figure are completely untrue. It is true that the Prince looks and behaves like a wax figure but he is a very likable person otherwise.
- Allegations that a group of rich tax refugees from all over Europe have joined forces to buy a bride for the Prince in order to secure the royal succession of the popular tax haven are completely untrue. It is true, however, that becoming a princess will secure a modest income for a retired swimming star even without the help of sponsors.
- Allegations that the Prince is not able to sire children are completely untrue. On the contrary, Prince Albert has been a busy bed-hopper all his life and even sired some offspring, who unfortunately are not entitled to inherit the throne because the princely bedfellows have neglected to make him marry them first. But in any case, Charlene need never fear for the potency of her future husband.
- Allegations that Charlene has recently learned some details of Albert's private life and therefore nearly fled from the wedding are completely untrue. It is true, however, that Charlene would be crazy to drop her princely bridegroom in the last moment regardless of any juicy information any indiscrete courtier might feed her.
- Allegations that Europe's high nobility looks down on the pathetic dynasty of Monaco which can only survive by importing celebrities are completely untrue. On the contrary, the high nobility of Europe will gather to the last haemophiliac in Monaco tomorrow and indulge in a party that will make the wedding of Prince William and Kate look like a child's birthday party.