UnNews:Facebook introduces ‘Nookie’
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
16 January 2013
LANGLEY, Virginia -- Facebook, the world's foremost social-networking site, on Tuesday announced "Nookie" a major upgrade to its search tool that dramatically improves the stalking of sexual victims. The upgraded software will scour the massive social network to answer sophisticated questions, such as: What does a person look like nude? How firm are her breasts? How long is a guy’s penis, and does her ass actually (really) look big in that dress? In addition detailed information regarding preferred sexual perversions and fantasies, and on which terms are available for an additional user contributed fee paid to Facebook.
For example, perhaps you need to find a sexual partner for your alter ego, James Bond, a top secret agent who has saved the human race on multiple occasions and literally shagged their way to global monotony. No problem. The new feature offers lots of potentially willing partners, both female and male, who fancy Bond’s fictional reputation and who are ready for kinky role-playing. How about people who dig mixed race and gender orgies and live right next door? How about photos of your PE teacher or your pal's hot sister/brother nude? Done. “This is the kinkiest thing we’ve ever tried,” Facebook co-founder and collectivist control asset, Mark Zuckerberg, said at a press event held in his Langley headquarters.
Ever since it became a global spy and surveillance tool, Facebook has been under pressure to improve its sexually probing products in an effort to boost its floundering reputation as a non-invasive entity. Nookie Search is also launching in literal mode, which will only be available to users who are not on the UN's sexual-terrorist watch list. The company will continue tweaking the product based on feedback from stool pigeons and jilted/satisfied lovers, but Zuckerberg has stated that there’s no estimate for how far the invasion of privacy will go.
For now, Nookie Search’s functions will be limited to i-sexual, bi-sexual, and tri-sexual humans, with farm animals and fruits/vegetables as well as ET’s excluded. It focuses on four main areas: fuck-buddies, nude photos, hot houses and perverse fantasies. More features will be added as they are developed, Zuckerberg said. “This is a hot product that focuses on users who are seriously lusty,” he said. “Even as an early product, Nookie Search is a completely new way for people to get down.”
Nookie plumbs the depths of depraved illicit data already inside Facebook, pulled from the services 1 billion profiles of potential sexual partners, also its 24 billion nude and semi-nude photos. The social tool indexes all of this content and works through a hidden search bar, located at the rock-bottom of your Facebook profile, placed so low that most Facebook stalking victims will never notice.
You can use Nookie to hunt down people you just met, like, for example, type, “blond slut at Hooters near me with pert tits who doesn’t have STD,” or “bald geek who likes lap dances with small cock and no AIDS near me,” to look for candidates. Other searches could facilitate pimp and/or free-lance recommendations. You can find heterosexuals, gays, and transvestites, based on customer endorsements. For example, if you wanted to bang a hot Chinese slut in San Francisco, you might search for “18-23 year old horny Chink bitch with no Herpes or bad breath in San Fran,” then add, “show tits,” or use the simple pull-down menu to command Facebook to “poke” or “grope.” Zuckerberg said the results will include other hot data as well, such as former user reviews, and prices.
Referring to the often-expressed concern regarding Facebook user privacy, the Facebook announcement claims that Nookie will do away with the nuisance concept of privacy altogether. “Privacy is boring and useless so we are taking this all the way to total exposure,” Zuckerberg said. “Nookie is not a stuck-up prude like Siri.”
- Staff "Anal ysts see potential in Facebook's new Graph Search". Associated Press, January 16, 2013