UnNews:Facebook introduces ‘Nookie’
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Facebook introduces ‘Nookie’
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 20:20:UTC)(
16 January 2013
LANGLEY, Virginia -- Facebook, the world's foremost social-networking site, on Tuesday announced a major upgrade to its search tool that facilitates stalking sexual victims, to be known as Nookie (no relation to Siri). The Facebook stalking feature had been unexciting, merely translating the name of a person or business to a boring Facebook page. The upgraded software will scour the massive social network to answer more sophisticated questions, such as: What does a person look like nude? How big are her breasts? Does so-and-so have any Sumo wrestler tattoos? How long is a guy’s penis? How big is a babe’s ass? What are their sexual perversions and fantasies? Do they want to get-it-on, and on what terms?
For example, say you want to find a sexual partner for your alter ego, James Bond, the top secret agent who saved the human race many-a-time and literally shagged his way to global boredom. No problem. There are lots of potentially willing partners, both female and male, who fancy Bond’s fictional reputation and who are ready for kinky role-playing. How about people who dig mixed race and gender orgies and live right next door? How about photos of your PE teacher or your pal's hot sister/brother nude? Done. “This is the kinkiest thing we’ve ever tried,” Facebook co-founder and collectivist control asset, Mark Zuckerberg, said at a press event held in his Langley headquarters.
Ever since it became a global spy and surveillance tool, Facebook has been under pressure to launch sexually probing new products that will help boost its floundering reputation as a non-invasive entity. Nookie Search is also launching in literal mode, although users will need to sign the CIA-FEMA watch list to gain access. The company will continue tweaking the product based on feedback from stool pigeons and jilted/satisfied lovers, but Zuckerberg said there’s no estimate for how far the invasion of privacy will go.
For now, Nookie Search’s functions will be limited to i-sexual, bi-sexual, and tri-sexual humans, with farm animals and anal-probing ET’s excluded. It focuses on four main areas: fuck-buddies, nude photos, hot houses and perverse fantasies. More features will be added as they are developed, Zuckerberg said. “This is a hot product that focuses on users who are lusty,” he said. “Even as an early product, Nookie Search is a completely new way for people to get down.”
Nookie plumbs the depths of depraved illicit data already inside Facebook, pulled from the services 1 billion profiles of potential sexual partners, also its 24 billion nude and semi-nude photos. The social tool indexes all of this content and works through a hidden search bar, located at the rock-bottom of your Facebook profile, that most Facebook stalking victims will never notice.
You can use Nookie to hunt down people you just met, like, for example, type, “blond slut at Hooters near me with pert tits who doesn’t have STD,” or “bald geek who likes lap dances with small cock and no AIDS near me,” to look for candidates. Other searches could facilitate pimp and/or free-lance recommendations. You can find heterosexuals, gays, and transvestites, based on customer endorsements. For example, if you wanted to bang a hot Chinese slut in San Francisco, you might search for “18-23 year old horny Chink bitch with no Herpes or bad breath in San Fran,” then add, “show tits,” or use the simple pull-down menu to command Facebook to “poke” or “grope.” Zuckerberg said the results will include other hot data as well, such as former user reviews, and prices.
Referring to the often-expressed concern regarding Facebook user privacy, the Facebook announcement claims that Nookie will do away with the nuisance concept of privacy altogether. “Privacy is boring and useless so we are taking this all the way to total exposure,” Zuckerberg said. “Nookie is not a stuck-up prude like Siri.”
- Staff "Anal ysts see potential in Facebook's new Graph Search". Associated Press, January 16, 2013