This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
16 January 2013
LANGLEY, Virginia -- Facebook, the world's foremost social-networking site, recently announced Nookie, a major upgrade to its search tool. The old stalking feature had been unexciting, merely translating the name of a person to a boring Facebook page. But the upgraded software scours the massive social network to answer more sophisticated questions, such as: What does a person look like nude? How big are her boobs? Does so-and-so have any Sumo wrestler tattoos? How long is a guy’s dong? How big is a babe’s rump? What are their fantasies? Do they want to get-it-on, and on what terms?
For example, say you want to find a sexual partner for your alter ego, James Bond. No problem! There are lots of potentially willing partners, both female and male, who fancy Bond’s fictional reputation and who are ready for kinky role-playing. How about people who dig mixed race and gender orgies and live right next door? How about photos of your PE teacher or your pal's hot sister/brother in the buff? Done. “This is the niftiest thing we’ve ever tried,” Facebook co-founder and collectivist control asset, Mark Zuckerberg, said at a press event held in his Langley headquarters.
Ever since it became a global surveillance tool, Facebook has been under pressure to launch sexually probing new products that will help boost its floundering reputation as a non-invasive entity. The company will continue tweaking the product based on feedback from jilted/satisfied users, but Zuckerberg said there is no limit to how far the invasion of privacy will go.
For now, Nookie Search’s functions will be limited to i-sexual, bi-sexual, and tri-sexual humans, with domestic pets excluded. It focuses on four main areas: shag-buddies, buff photos, hot houses and neat fantasies. “More features will be added as they are developed,“ Zuckerberg explained. “This is really a hot product targeting users who are ready for a good time,” he said. “Nookie Search is a completely new way for people to get down.”
You can use Nookie to hunt down people you just met, like, for example, type, “blond slut at Hooters near me with pert tits who doesn’t have STD,” or “bald geek who likes lap dances with needle dick and no AIDS near my location,” to look for candidates. You can find heterosexuals, gays, and transvestites based on customer endorsements. For example, if you wanted to shag a hot Chinese slut in San Francisco, you might search for “18-23 year old Chink bitch without Herpes or bad breath in Frisco,” then add, “show tits,” or use the simple pull-down menu to command Facebook to “poke” or “grope” or "twist." Zuckerberg said the results will also include other useful data such as former user reviews.
Referring to the often-expressed concern regarding Facebook user privacy, the announcement claims that Nookie will do away with the nuisance concept of privacy altogether. “Privacy is boring and useless so we are taking this all the way to total exposure,” Zuckerberg said. “Nookie is not a stuck-up prude like Siri.”