UnNews:Facebook, Apple offer to freeze eggs

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Facebook, Apple offer to freeze eggs

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18 October 2014

Matzah Ball Soup

These harvested frozen eggs could become Apple's future Corporate Benefits Department.

WIKIA CITY, California -- Computing giants Facebook and Apple will offer to freeze the eggs of productive female employees. Facebook has been doing so all year, and Apple will begin in 2015.

The move will let them keep their tits their noses to the grindstone, cranking out web pages and policy manuals and filing complaints about the cafeteria food throughout their productive years. Then they can have a baby at age 70, and hire someone who is actually physically able to bear it, nurse it, pick it up, and remember its name, and might adopt it when they keel over and die when the kid is 5, assuming the companies don't go the way of CompuServe or GM, and are actually able to pay the pensions.

Feminist groups were elated. Kellye Sheehan of N.O.W. stated, "This will induce more women not to take five years off in the middle of their careers, and may close the '59-cent gap' — which, we must not forget, is solely caused by male hatred." It could also attract women to the industry, where men now outnumber them 2-to-1, though researchers worry about the economic effect of a rash of gossip breaks, panics over make-up, and cat-fights just as the U.S. makes a key sixth attempt at a Summer of Recovery.

Left unstated is what the corporations will do if the women decide to leave the workplace anyway, or move to a competitor. Rather than continue to pay the $500-a-year refrigerator rental — as it simply won't do to stick Junior in the home Frigidaire and hope there are no power failures in the next twenty years — industry watchers believe executives will clone the eggs, hoping to create new employees who will step in and take up the slack. "The corporations know these eggs have high-productivity DNA. They can breed a new race of super-paper-pushers," said bio-ethicist Ezekiel Emanuel in Chicago. The mayor's brother recently called for everyone over 75 to "lay down and die" so that Obama-care can break even. The new health care law itself might be expanded to cover the procedure. "Then we would have universal coverage," Congresswoman Carol Shea-Porter (D-NH) gushed. "This approach will let men freeze their eggs too." Asked if the government would again dictate minimum standards and cause another rash of cancelled policies, she stated, "If you like your eggs, you can keep your eggs. Period."

Employees who resign might take their eggs with them, but then they would be limited to work at other companies that offer the benefit. Applying elsewhere, Sheehan said, a demand that the new employer maintain frozen eggs might come at the expense of a higher salary offer. A third alternative is that the eggs would remain frozen forever — living out life in an icy world where the only baseball player is Ted Williams's head.

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