UnNews:Face of Satan appears on toast
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Face of Satan appears on toast
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 16, 2017, 17:43:UTC)(
11 June 2011
Jones, who describes herself as a devout Satanist, told a local newspaper that she had been "blessed", and that she interprets the visage as a message from her beloved Devil. "I know in my heart He is watching over me," she was quoted as saying. She made the toast as part of her normal breakfast routine this morning, and was about to spread some eye-of-newt upon it when she suddenly noticed a demonic face staring back at her. According to sources, she was "delighted" to see the hideous, deathly features of the Ruler of the Dark Abyss.
Friends, families and familiars came from miles around to see the burnt slice of bread, but were disappointed to find that Jones had already devoured it in a frenzied, ritualistic celebration. She was more than happy to show visitors the crumbs that had gathered upon her bare breasts however, and our photographer was more than happy to do a full day's shoot with her.
The occurence echoes a similar event in Florida several years ago, when Diane Duyser sold a toasted cheese sandwich bearing the face of the Virgin Mary for over $28,000. Duyser subsequently patented the "Virgin Mary Grill" - a device which imprints religious symbolism in a variety of toasted products. When asked if she was disappointed that she couldn't sell her own divine toast, Jones replied that she wasn't. "Unlike Christians, we Satanists do not care for graven images," she said. "No matter how delicious or wholegrain they are."
Local Dark Priestess Lily O'Grady has described the event as the most exciting thing to happen for Luciferianism since the statue of the Horned God in San Francisco miraculously defecated on a passing child. "The false prophet Jesus has been appearing in day-to-day bread products and the soup of death-row inmates for many years now, and I am glad that Our Faith is finally catching up. All we need now is for him to make an appearance in a poorly-developed photograph. Perhaps people will take us a bit more seriously from now on," she told our reporter, as she danced naked around a fire.