UnNews:FIFA and IAAF agree to merge their scandals
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FIFA and IAAF agree to merge their scandals
Straight talk, from straight faces
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 12:14:UTC)(
25 November 2015
ZURICH, Switzerland -- The world's biggest international sporting organisations have agreed to combine all their toxic scandals and face the music together. FIFA, who organise the World Cup, and the IAAF, custodians of the Olympic Games, announced their merger following stories of bribery, ballot box stuffing, drug taking, palm greasing and suitcases of laundered money. In a vote held at a secret location, those board members of FIFA and IAAF not either under a charge or in jail said they had 'an outline deal' to present to the press.
FIFA has been under pressure to 'clean up their act' for a longer time following stories that countries had rigged ballots to gain hosting rights for the World Cup. This same charge has been levelled at IAAF for their decision to award the Winter Olympics to Jamaica for 2020. The (still if suspended) president of FIFA Sepp Blatter and his opposite number at the IAAF, President Lord 'Honest Seb' Coe said they wanted all the scandals surrounding sport dealt with by one sporting body.
"We have a unity of purpose," said Blatter - over the sound of his electronic tag going off and handcuffs being re-applied to his wrists. "I think together, FIFA and IAAF will be stronger. Anyone who challenges, and we will take all our balls home." Lord Coe nodded that "I am personally drug-free and never inhaled either."
The new organisation will be known as International Athlete's Football. Blatter has agreed to retire and live in a secure retirement home. Lord Coe, who was only just elected to head the IAAF, will have to re-run the 1500 metres in a banana suit at a time to be determined if he wants the job. The IAF may look for a new president and vice president. Lance Armstrong and Dick Cheney are said to be in the frame.
- Staff "Former IAAF president under criminal investigation for doping cover-up". Sports Illustrated, November 25, 2015
- Staff "Sepp Blatter plots challenge of FIFA ethics committee's power to strip him from office". Daily Mail, November 25, 2015