UnNews:FDA approves virus spray for meats that will raise Bush’s approval
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FDA approves virus spray for meats that will raise Bush’s approval
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:49 (UTC)
20 August 2006
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SOMEWHERE, United States of America -- Heralded as a major breakthrough in both food science and the treatment of mental illness, the FDA approved a virus spray that kills a particularly voracious food borne bacteria, which infects the brain and causes people to hate President George W. Bush (side effects include depression & suicide). The virus spray will be initially applied to cold cuts, wieners, and sausages, the type of food primarily consumed by known Bush adherents. Eventually, processed cheese foods will be added to the list.
The virus spray, or bacteriophage, will kill the bacterium, called Primalogicgenes dans Derrieria, which attacks the brain, enhancing rational thinking, and causing its victims to see Bush as an idiot. “I’ve never seen a bacteria act so quickly. Moments after eating a bologna and salami sandwich, the victim suddenly thinks clearly and denounces Bush,” says Mr. Wong Dong at the Office of Food Additive Safety.
The bacteria is now said to be the cause of Bush’s plummeting approval rating, instead of his failing “war on terrorism”. President Bush has waxed poetic in his enthusiasm for the virus spray saying, “I can change the world but first I have to change your mind.” In fact, Bush’s donated his own sperm as the raw material for the bacteriophage.
Phucmiedix, a Hoboken based biochemical company that manufactures the newly approved product, first filed its application with the FDA in 2002 to market the viruses as a food additive. Said Harry Balderama, president and chief executive officer of Phucmiedix Inc. the company also plans to seek FDA approval for another bacteriophage product that kills E. Diot bacteria, which causes its victim to admire the vocal inflections of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.