UnNews:FDA announces all drugs are placebos

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

24 September 2006

Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin-1

Even Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin is a placebo. Upon disclosure of this information, rioting ensued.

WASHINGTON DC, Virginia --The Food and Drug Administration has announced that all pharmaceuticals manufactured and sold today in the United States are all, in fact, placebos.

Said FDA Commissioner Dr. Andrew von "Morpheus" Eschenbach, "We have been planning to reveal this to the public ever since the Fair Packaging and Labeling Act of 1966, when the legislation to sell placebos on a wide scale was passed. Since then, all medicines that have been sold on the market have been simple sugar pills."

The American Public has responded with many questions, the most important of them inquiring the FDA about how it is possible that such medicines actually work.

"I've been taking Viagra for the past five years," said Jim Hoffenbauer, age 69. "Thanks to that wonderful drug, I don't feel like my penis is a second appendix. And now you're telling me that I've been eating candy all along?"

Responded Dr. Andrew von "Morpheus" Eschenbach, "There is a simple concept called the placebo effect. When you are told that a treatment will improve your condition, and you are given a list of scientific facts to support this claim, your condition will improve because of various psychological factors and dopamines released by the consumption of sugar. In other words, your mind makes it real."

Yet many people regard the whole situation as a joke. "It's the Jewish New Year, it's likely that some important government official will try to crack a lame joke today," stated Niels Verdenschnitzel upon hearing the announcement, to which Eschenbach responded, "I am not kidding."

Said Thomas "Neo" Anderson, regular consumer of Viagra, "I should have just taken the red pill."

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