UnNews:FBI finds suspicious passenger on airplane, blows it up
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FBI finds suspicious passenger on airplane, blows it up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 16, 2017, 13:38:UTC)(
12 July 2007
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NEW YORK, New York -- An American Airlines flight was blown up in mid-air by an Air Force missile early on Thursday after the crew reported a passenger who looked suspicious in what the FBI has now called a "little misunderstanding."
American Airlines flight 136 from Los Angeles to London was about a third of the way into its flight when the FBI received a call from one of the airline's employees, who said "There's a very suspicious looking woman here, who has two very suspicious swellings on the front of her chest. She claims they are merely breasts, but I doubt this highly. They contain some very suspicious milky white fluid she claims to be milk, but it looks like an explosive to me. She even had the gall to try and prove it was milk by feeding it to her baby for the first hour of the flight!"
The FBI, who usually require airport security to ask women to remove their breasts before boarding aircraft, immediately leapt into action, calling the CIA, the U.S. Air Force, and the NSA. Within thirty minutes, a detachment of 47 Air Force planes was rushing at top speed towards flight 136.
After ten minutes of assessing the situation, several NSA agents who were in one of the Air Force planes determined that the risk in this situation of a terrorist attack was "insanely high", and the plane was promptly destroyed with a heat-seeking missile. Afterwards, the body of the woman was analyzed and it was determined that she indeed was carrying nothing but milk in the "suspicious swellings" on her chest. "It was surprisingly good," says one of the NSA employees, "we divided it up between us all and drank it together, toasting to a job well done," the commander of the unit said, as he stood among the bodies of the 230 passengers, "This particular incident may have been a mistake, but I still believe it shows our ongoing commitment and determination in the fight against global terrorism. Now would somebody please wipe this old man's brain off my boots?"