UnNews:F1 teams told to kill more drivers

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F1 teams told to kill more drivers

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01 July 2015

Drivers

F1 needs a danger fuelled-injection, as today's drivers are all about the price-tag.

SILVERSTONE, England -- Formula One has been asked to kill more drivers live on television as of next year, as bloodthirsty fans are leaving the sport in droves to watch more exhilarating things, such as chess and water evaporating.

The sport’s Strategy Group, which includes Mercedes, Ferrari, Red Bull McLaren, Williams and Force India, along with Bernie Ecclestone and members of the FIA, is due to meet in London before the British Grand Prix at Silverstone this weekend.

Previous meetings to make the sport more exciting, and an awful lot less pretentious, have produced meagre results with the main headline-grabber from the last meeting being a suggestion the drivers pay for the fuel with a VISA card, and collect their nectar points/air miles before being allowed to leave the pits.

Concerned about dwindling audiences, the sport has been considering various options proposed by fans to keep interest in what is effectively a giant version of Scalextric without the spills. Most of the remaining fans are geeks that are into the engineering aspect of the sport, and they request more access to the cars and drivers, whereas others say they only watch it for the pile-up in turn one.

Formula one bosses quickly dismissed the idea of allowing the unwashed public anywhere near their shiny cars, shiny drivers, shiny celebrities or in fact anything shiny to do with Formula One; as selling pit passes to Kevin Average will mean Kanye West will not buy one. With that option effectively off the table, the sport is looking at returning to the era of killing drivers again.

Cube-headed BBC F1 commentator, pundit and ex. average F1 driver David Coulthard, said F1 is no longer a lethal sport where the drivers are considered like gladiators (and had a similar life-expectancy). He said: “Last time I saw Sebastian Vettel, he was hunched over the sink at the back of the pits, crying because he got his finger stuck in a washer. You couldn’t imagine James Hunt or Mike Hawthorn in tears because their engineer needed to use dish soap to free a key engine part.”

Williams

Even upside down, the F1 car of today is about as dangerous as a double mattress.

Formula one ace Fernando Alonso agrees. In a recent interview, Alonso described driving an F1 car as about as exciting and dangerous as pushing a wheelbarrow. “I should have been killed two weekends ago, when Kimi Räikkönen drove over my head,” said Alonso, “but with all the health and safety, I am more frightened standing on the podium. You could have a nasty slip from there.”

A new set of rules for 2016 could win back the blood-lusters. Much like the engine and gear box rules of recent seasons, teams will only be allowed one driver for four races. If the driver is not killed within the four-race window, for the fifth race, the driver will automatically get pole position, but will have to neck a bottle of Champagne before the race starts. However, if the driver is just injured within the four, the car will have to take a ten second stop/go penalty, in the middle of the fastest part of the main strait.

Coulthard is pleased with the proposed rule changes, “It’s a shame in many ways when there is a serious crash, but that is why we go really. To be honest, if I wanted to see a bored driver do the same thing 70 times before finishing two hours later, I’d watch my BBC colleague, Suzi Perez, try to park her Volvo."

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