UnNews:Exxon Mobil Reveals: 'Black Gold' Not Really Gold
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Exxon Mobil Reveals: 'Black Gold' Not Really Gold
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 26, 2016, 20:08:UTC)(
1 July 2008
IRVING, Texas - Oil, or "Black Gold", as it's has been called, is perhaps the single most important resource on Earth today. The people using this "Black Gold" obviously weren't smart enought to trade in this gold for money or maybe other jewlery, but instead they took the refined version at put it in the fuel tank in their car. But now, it was a good thing they didn't try to turn in this "Gold". Exxon Mobil, the worlds leading distributor in oil and gasoline products, revealed yesterday that oil is not gold. The only people truly shocked were high-class females who had put this "Gold" around their neck and wrists as though it were gold jewelry, and pawnbrokers who had actually taken this "Gold" for some other, more valuable product in their shop.
Rex W. Tillerson, the chairman and CEO of Exxon announced, "To some of you, this may be shocking. To others, it might not. Oil, also know as quote unquote Black Gold, is not really gold. The name was given to oil because of it's incredible value, making it like gold, and it's color, Black." The crowd of 5 important people (the indentities were unknown) gasped after the statement. Lucky for us, we had our news cameraman hiding in the bush to get the announcement.
People who thought they were putting gold inside of their fuel tank were sadly wrong. Upon hearing the news the people were relieved, sighing and laughing at at stupid they were to think gasoline was refined gold. "I'm just glad I wasn't burning something I could get some serious money for," says some American guy. These innocent people who took the saying seriously (like nearly 200 million americans also did) were given a $2 gas gift card from mobil, which is enough to buy about a half-tank of gas. "At least it's something," says that American guy again.
A major question has been asked now that oil is no longer "Gold". Will the value of gas now fall because it is no longer considered gold? People suspect the high gas prices were from oil being "Gold", but now that it is not gold, will the price fall dramatically? Questions are to be answered this coming month with the progress of the gas prices. Will they spike or fall? Exxon has something to say on the matter.
"We do not believe the prices will fall due to this, because we knew all along that oil wasn't gold and it did not affect the price, now did it?" asked Tillerson.
So, now there is only one gold, and that is the gold you find in jewlery and in Fort Knox and in the U.S. Federal Reserve building.So with "Black Gold " gone, all we have is the gold that is pure and golden.