UnNews:Explosions found to be way cool
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Explosions found to be way cool
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 08:10:UTC)(
14 October 2008
Icelandic scientists were astounded yesterday when a study revealed that explosions are way cool. After intensive research involving trinitrotoluene (TNT), nitroglycerin (NG) and ass (ASS), seven (7) lab researchers uncovered what they describe as "a whole new layer of awesomeness". This layer surpasses the previous estimated awesome limit of "kinda sweet", set by sugar.
When asked about how he felt about the situation, sugar replied, "I'm not bitter at all."
Albert Dillon, the leader of the research team, was approached by UnNews reporters early this morning about what implications this discovery would have.
"Well, obviously we're going to have to do a lot more research on explosions. Where they come from, what they taste like, and so on and so forth. Shortly before the 'way cool' experiment we actually found out that explosions make a loud booming noise," he revealed. "Our current theory is that this is some kind of a mating call, designed to attract other explosions to it."
The 'way cool' experiment, as it has been dubbed, took exactly four days, three hours and seven days to prepare. It involved programming all the known levels of awesomeness into a shock-proof dial, then using it to monitor the awesome-factor of an explosion. The explosion, generated by a willing team member with a lighter and rather too many beans for breakfast, actually broke the needle off the device, sending it rocketing through the man's anus and directly into his brain.
"We're very sad," Dillon muses. "Now we have to build another dial."
On a lighter note, Albert has high hopes for the future.
"We have reason to believe there may be a thing such as the 'assplosion', from our experiments with ass. If proven, this could break into yet another category of awesome. We really have no idea what to name this one, except there will probably be an expletive involved. One of our other team members suggested we name it after our recently deceased friend, in his honour. We all had a good laugh at that one."
"What we're really scared of is that these explosions may be able to hurt people. Iceland will maintain the rights to explosions for as long as we can. If this secret leaks out, then we might actually see progress."
President Bush expressed concern about this issue in a press conference, saying that, "The American government will do everything it can to prevent this progress. We have already established an organisation called Congress to help fight the war against progress caused by terrorist explosions in the Middle East. If you see an explosion wearing any religious garments such as headscarfs, strange jewellery or underpants, please report it to your local police station."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|