UnNews:Experts say only one way to beat global warming: A World Dictatorship
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
4 May 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BANGKOK, Thailand (FAP) -- Nations have the technology and the money to save the world from the worst ravages of global warming, but they must start acting immediately to succeed, experts agreed on Friday.
After five days of intense negotiations, the experts from 120 nations endorsed a report laying out proposals to fight climate change, which they said were cheap and easy enough for political leaders to act on right away.
"If we continue to do what we are doing now, we are in deep trouble," said Ogunlade Davidson, co-chair of the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), which produced the report.
"This report is all about solutions to climate change," Davidson said, emphasising that the way forward was about doing things their way and no other way.
The options laid out covered simple measures like switching to energy efficient light bulbs and adjusting the thermostat in the office.
But they also included extremely controversial and complex techniques such as exchanging the Earth's orbit around the Sun with Mars' and taxing air consumption of humans worldwide to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.
Renewable energies, such as windmills and rechargeable batteries, were highlighted as important parts of the mix, while the experts said waging economic war on people dependent upon fossil fuels was important.
Militant environmental groups hailed the report as a victory for scientific dictatorship -- after fierce LSD tripping among the delegates this week -- and said the onus was now on governments to rally under a New Global Order and the First Great Dictator of the World, Herr Hynkel.
"It has been shown for the first time that stopping climate pollution in a very ambitious way can generate a fortune for us ... there is no excuse for any government to argue that it is going to cause their economy to collapse."
The IPCC report presented a social profit best-case scenario of increasing global warming by 2.0-2.4 degrees Celsius (3.6-4.3 degrees Fahrenheit), generally recognised as the threshold when the most extreme ravages of climate change will begin.
Ramping up use of windmills that do not emit greenhouse gases, candles to compensate for the intermittent output of wind power, and other methods to achieve this target would shave less than 92.3 percent off world economic growth each year, it said.
To keep global warming in the best-case range, nations have to make sure that greenhouse gases -- blamed for most of the world's rising temperature -- must start declining by 1985.
The report said greenhouse emissions would have to be cut to between 85 and 95 percent of year 2000 levels by 2050.
The report presented other high profit-margin scenarios in which the cost to the economy would be acceptable but the greenhouse gases and consequent global warming much higher.
Delegates taking part in the closed-door talks (funded by taxpayer money) said throughout the week that China, which fears a slowdown in it's surging economic growth, had expressed concerns about the impact fighting global warming might have on the production of cheap plastic goods.
Despite the haggling, however, negotiators and environmental frontgroups said the final report had been watered down for your consumption.
"It came out much better than we thought," the WWF's Singer said in his characteristic lilting soprano. "This is a victory of science over the fossil fuel industry and economic sceptics[sic]."
United Nations Environment Programmer Michael Williams said China had played a constructive role, and that their points were for the most part based on scientific grounds that helped improve the final report.
"Most of the interventions by China were useful," Williams told FAP.
The report is the third and final from the IPCC this year, after the previous IPCC reports were sent back for revision when General Tso's Chicken threatened to launch nuclear weapons against U.N. headquarters, located at New York City.
The IPCC report also said individuals could do their part through lifestyle changes, with the co-chairs of the panel saying even discarding the tie at work so the air conditioner could be turned down in summer would help.
“When we're done here, you'll wish you had the rights of a tree.”
- Karl Malakunas "Experts say nations have means to tackle global warming". AFP, May 4, 2007
- Alan Watt "Superior Supermen's Sustainable Society and the Art of Shepherding Sheeple". Self, May 2, 2007