UnNews:Exclusive interview with deceased Opus Dei founder
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 July 2006
Editor's note: UnNews would like to take this opportunity to introduce another upgrade to our technology, the UnCanninator. This device was constructed by our crack (smoking?) engineering team as part of UnNews continuing efforts to bring you, precious reader, the best in misinformation. It functions much like a two-way radio, except that it opens channels to the realm of the Dead. John Edwards is in for a rude awakening when we undercharge him by 80% and drive him out of the charlatan business.
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
- zim: "Hello? Father Escrivá? Father St. Josemaría Escrivá? Can you hear me?"
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: "Ok," he said. "What's this all about?"
- zim: "Well, Father, I was told you had some opinions on the new movie being released today, "The Da Vinci Code" "
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: "Yes, let me say first, zom (sic), this whole thing about self-mortification has gotten out of hand. It's a strictly voluntary practice, in that any Opus Deist may volunteer to self-mortify, or be mortified by others. Very Democratic, no?"
- zim: Well, yes, I was going to get to that, but first, I was wondering..."
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: "Do you have anything to eat around here? I find it difficult to concentrate when I haven't eaten for a few minutes."
- zim: "Yes, but... " zim passes tray of Foie Gras and truffles, "Father, what are your thoughts on the film's portrayal of Opus Dei... they certainly seem like diabolical fellows."
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: "Look, I..." stands on chair, scratches self. "You don't know about psychiatry, I do! I've researched it, and I know!"
- zim: "My, that was interesting. So you feel that psychiatry is involved in this image of Opus Dei as an evil organization, bent on submitting the world to their will, by the film?"
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: No, not really. But, watching Tom Cruise rant has taught me the value of any publicity as good publicity."
- zim: So, you're just talking out your ass?
- St. Josemaría Escrivá: "No, you're not paying attention!"
- zim: "Father? You're starting to fade..."
- zim shuts off the UnCanninator.
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|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Opus Dei Master Sergeant Clampshutt Falcone created a mess in New York's Times Square today when he parked a tank in the middle of the square and began firing on "The Da Vinci Code" posters with depleted uranium shells. The Salvation Army was called in to disarm Falcone because the state's National Guards are either being killed in Iraq or guarding our border from the Canadian Hun.