UnNews:Exclusive Interview with Benson
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Exclusive Interview with Benson
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 4, 2015, 09:55:UTC)(
14 January 2007
BENSON'S 3D HOUSE OF PANCAKES, VILLAGE DUMP - Enigmatic religious leader Benson has granted UnNews a rare interview after a request was sent in by former Writer of the Month Squiggle. What we got was a disturbing glimpse at Uncyclopedia's biggest raging egoist. Behold: The Man, the Myth, the Scandal, and the BENSON. Enjoy with caution.
- Q: Why did you choose the name Benson?
- A: The name BENSON chose BENSON. BENSON didn't choose BENSON :) lol roflmao omg ;)
- Q: In your earlier days, you were known for your excessive, almost grotesque use of Caps Lock. Why did you use it so frequently?
- A: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OH, NOBODY EVER POINTED THAT OUT TO ME BEFORE. I'M SO EMBARRASSED!
- Q: What do you think of this Chronarion fellow?
- A: I don't know who Chronarion is. Is he that Oscar Wilde guy everyone is talking about?
- Q: Do you still have aspirations to be an Uncyclopedia admin? Through what method(s) do you hope to achieve this?
- A: Yes. Brute force or sheer strength of will.
- Q: You were recently banned. Do you confess to the crimes you are accused of?
- A: Which ban? Ah, BENSON probably did do all of that stuff anyways.
- Q: Do you hold a grudge against your banner, Codeine? Why?
- A: YES! He's an anti-BENSON! He's on my list right below Fawwaz. Also, what's the deal with his name?
- Q: Do you at all suspect that you were banned as some sort of metaphorical political prisoner? If so, for what purpose?
- A: BENSON doesn't understand your fancy words. "Metaphorical"? "Purpose"?
- Q: If you have a favorite, which is your favorite of the articles that you have written?
- A: Pond Whales. Everybody reading this, go to Pond Whales when you're done, and make one funny edit. We must get it featured!
- Q: Are you familiar with Cainads's epic Chronicles of your Bensonry? If so, what is your opinion of them?
- A: BENSON is familiar with them. BENSON doesn't have the patience to read them all, but HE's sure that they are good. Keep up the good word-writing, Cainad!
- Q: What is your opinion of "puny monkey men" (the average Uncyclopedia User, or merely your followers) on a whole?
- A: They watch too much television.
- Q: Who do you find, if anyone, "best" out of your followers? Why?
- A: I consider all of my followers equal. Equal to monkeys! Seriously, you guys have to work harder!
- Q: Besides yourself, if anyone, who would be most worthy as a Benson of the Month?
- A: I don't know. That's really a hard one! Maybe... George Benson?
- Q: Will there ever be a for-real Bensonpedia? Is it already in the works? Tell us more.
- A: BENSON really doesn't know. BENSON can't predict the future, you know! Well, BENSON can, but just in short dream-visions.
- Q: Your skin color has been simultaneously described as invisible and black. Elaborate.
- A: BENSON's skin is invisible. But if it was invisible on all of BENSON's pics, then you wouldn't see him! So for BENSON's pics, he changes his skin to black. BENSON can do this because of BENSON's chameleon powers.
- Q: Finally, who's the real Benson? What are you like in real life?
- A: "Real life"? Uncyclopedia isn't real enough?