UnNews:Exclusive Interview With God
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Exclusive Interview With God
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 11:11:UTC)(
7 February 2006
In an exclusive interview with UnNews, God has laid out his plans for a "major revision" of the Bible as well as answers questions about hot button issues (Bold text us UnNews' questions).
Thank you for agreeing to this interview, almighty. Let's get down to business.
Certainly, but first, I'd like to take this time to announce a new revision of the Bible. I'm still searching for publishers, but I'm sure I can find one.
Really? Why did you decide to create a new revision?
Well, I figured it was about time. I haven't really had much to do with your planet for the past 1500 or so years, and I decided it was time to provide some updates. I especially wanted to make things a more clear.
Why do you feel the need to do so now?
Again, it has to do with me not paying attention to you people for 1500 years. I figured that you humans would have matured enough at this point, using your highly evolved abilities to reason, that you could get the point of the Bible, and the other religious texts that I wrote, which is to not hate each other and to live and let live! But I turn my back on you folks for a mere 1500 years, and look at the mess you've created! So, I think that it's time for me to straighten things out.
You mention "other religious texts" that you've written. Does that mean your the god, or gods of other religions?
Short answer, yes. Let's leave it at that.
No, not Scientology.
So, what revisions are in store for the new Good Book?
Well, I don't want to give too much away, but I make my position clear on such issues, like stem cell research, birth control, vaccinations, homosexual marriage, prayer in public schools, and evolution. I can tell you, that some people are going to be upset, but I won't tell you which ones.
What about abortion?
Yes, my position on that is in there too.
I make it clear in the book that it's time to stop fighting.
And was Jesus really your son or not?
You'll have to read the book for that answer.
Do you intend to make any other revisions for other religious texts?
Well, I'm hoping that when my new Bible is published that I can begin working on the Koran. I'd also like another look at the Ramayana or two, and maybe Dao De Jing, and the Egyptian Book of the Dead. I'm hoping to revive that religion, very neat with the mummification and all.
What do you think of people who claim to speak for you, like Jerry Falwell, or C. Ray Nagin?
I don't like it. I'm speaking for myself, read my book, it should be out pretty soon. And there's one thing I want to say to all of your readers out there, THINK FOR YOURSELVES! Please, I may have written it down in a book, but you have to figure out how to apply it in your daily lives. You shouldn't always do something just because I said so. I was hoping that my commandments would be more like guideposts, and you people would figure out where to go from there. That's the one thing that really gets my goat, is that you don't rely on yourselves enough. You have the brains to do so, so do it!
I see that we have time for one more question. Are you hoping to make Oprah's Book Club?
Well, I hope so. I just don't want the same scrutiny that James Frey got.
Thank you for your time.