UnNews:Ex-Idol accused of sodomy
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Ex-Idol accused of sodomy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 7, 2016, 04:21:UTC)(
5 February 2010
“He was my idol”
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -– Those were the very words uttered from the mouth of the accuser, Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan describig his relationship with Anwar Ibrahim, leader of Malaysia's opposition party, whom he accuses of sodomy. Previously, The Honorable Grandfather Radiant, title translated from the local language, Anwar Ibrahim was first accused of sodomy in 1999 and has since been exonerated of all charges.
edit The previous trial
However, he can't shake the feeling of déjà vu last year as disgraced aide Saiful, a university dropout, accused him of the same crime dismissed in 2004. When approached, the consensus amongst political analysts is that the trial is a farce:
|“||There is no way the accusation can be real. Anwar was jailed for five years for the first time based on lies and political maneuvering. Five years. He should be sick of butt sex by now.||”|
US observers, however was more skeptical, given their experience with national leaders.
edit 2010: Odyssey/ Sodomy Two
In the first week of trials, which would have been summarily dismissed in the US, the prosecutors submitted the testimony of the accuser, Saiful. Most of the exhibits were met with derision and laughter from the public.
edit Testimony of the accuser
Firstly Saiful claimed that he put up with Anwar because he idolized him when Saiful was a child. The defense objected immediately to the veracity of the statement as the first Malaysian Idol was in 2004, when Saiful was already an adult, and that Anwar could not have qualified for the competition as he was too old at the time (57). Simon Cowell added:
|“||That was a nonsensical farce that they pulled out from their collective arses when they claim that I influenced sodomy.||”|
Saiful also claimed that he has not passed motion for 2 days, which was immediately met with ridicule from medical community:
|“||That is ridiculous. Constipation will cause haemorrhaging, which invalidates the DNA evidence submitted. Besides, sodomy is known to ease defecation as the anal muscles are relaxed or already too torn to block the passage.||”|
edit The prosecution evidence
Saiful also handed over two shirts, a pair of pants, two pair of underwear and a bottle of KY lube. The rest of the proceeding was deemed R-rated as the presence of underwear in Malaysia is considered an extremely disturbing sexual graphic.
Critics immediately lambasted Saiful's claims that the shirts, of G2000 make, were branded, as Karl Lagerfeld has never designed such shirts. The G2000 brand was founded in Hong Kong in the year 1980, automatically disqualifying the label from “branded” shirts. Paris Hilton, whose fashion line relies on her reputation declared:
|“||That is not hot.||”|
Clamors for further comments were cut short by her chihuahua.
The presentation of the pair of pants also drew barbs from Ermenegildo Zegna, self-declared but so-far-unchallenged world leader's in fine men's clothing. The moment the prosecutors declared the nature of the fabric, he stood up and said:
|“||What, anozer stoopid “branded” item of apparel?||”|
Prosecution lawyers quickly did a double-take and Saiful declared that those pants were a gift from the accused. No further questions were asked.
The courtroom went behind closed doors and checked everyone's identification before exhibiting the two pair of underwear. Once the are satisfied that everyone present are above the age of minority, the prosecution presented the two pair of male undergarments, all the while hiding from the glares of Calvin Klein. Defense lawyers were quick to point out inconsistencies in the accuser's statement:
|“||We submit that he did defecate withing 48 hours of the alleged defense, as it is clearly visible on the middle of said underwear that there is a brown stain, and on nasal inspection, our experts determine that it is, in fact, shit.||”|
It was at this moment that the opposition decided to switch tracks and declared to the court that they wish to present the location the where the said sodomy was done. The prosecution lawyers went forth and asked Saiful, ”Can you show us where the alleged act was perpetrated?” Under the watchful glare of Gianni Versace who rose from the grave to attend court, Saiful climbed the chair on the witness stand, pulled down his pants, pointed to his anus and said:
|“||Here. He did it right here.||”|
After much derision and hostility from the fashion designers present, the prosecuting team decided not to mention the KY lube and motion for the court to be adjourned.
edit End of the saga so far
Court was adjourned until 9.30am, Monday