UnNews:Evolving cows confuse Farmers
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Evolving cows confuse Farmers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 06:59:UTC)(
20 June 2009
DEVON, England In recent days Devon and Cornwall farmers have been traipsing for miles on end through the fields of neighboring farms in search for their apparently missing cows only to find that they were still in the field that they had been left in. In what can only be called a gigantic leap in evolution, certain cows have started to develop the skill of blending into certain environments, not unlike the chameleon. Scientists are currently exploring the fact that many of the seemingly abandoned fields across the west country of the UK could actually be home to hundreds of cows which have, over the years, been reported missing.
"I gots to tell you, I ain't seen nothing like it before," Farmer John, owner of several cows which he thought had disappeared, told UnNews "But to be honest I don't know whether I'm relieved or not, I milked one of them cows this morning and I got to tell you it was hard enough finding the bloody thing let alone trying to work out where to hold the pail for the milk." A few of the owners of the livestock are worried that many of their cows will not be returned to them, not because they won't be found, but simply because they will have no way to work out the letters which would have been branded onto the animals for this exact reason. More worrying is the fact that this new development may make it harder for farmers to control the outbreak of such bovine illness as Mad Cow Disease. Although the effected cattle have been cleared of these conditions, it is feared that cattle from out of the county may make their way down to Devon and possibly pass on the infection by mating which would be impossible to keep track of.
"At this time we don't want to be thinking of such bad things like Mad Cow, you know" Farmer John continued, "right now we just want to make sure that all of the cows are safe and are adjusting to this new way of life. Our next step is to place purple splodges of paint on each cow so that we can at least contain them in the field. Tracking devices will also be installed shortly." Although many of the farmers are concerned for the well being of their cattle, vets who have performed check ups on all of the located cows have found most of them to be in extremely good health leading scientists to explore another theory. Phillip Iaining, a Scientist specialising in genetics and the evolution of animals has spoken of research into the condition, "We were most intrigued when we heard of this new development in cows and immediately set out to look into it." He said, talking from outside a farm in North Devon where a further outbreak has appeared, "As we have already heard from the many veterinarians who have checked out the cows, they seem to be in good health and we can only suggest that this invisibility is some sort of defense mechanism. The cows, if you like, have apparently evolved overnight."
Many have questioned the validity of the research into this idea, calling it silly and other cruel terms however it's the only one which seems to be backed up. Statistics show that the consumption of meat is steadily rising each year and that farmers are having to breed and kill more cattle so that they may fill the ever growing order. "They must have caught on, that's all. I mean, it's got to look strange really hasn't it?" Farmer John persisted in talking to us, "Friends and family being led out of the field by farmers, shortly followed by a shotgun blast, never to return again. You know, something must of just clicked and they came to their senses." For years now farmers have been campaigning for cloning to begin on the cattle so that families of cattle don't have to be immediately separated and therefore live longer, grow maturer and taste nicer.
All around the country farmers have begun to cull any invisible livestock that they happen upon in an attempt to discourage similar behaviour patterns in the remaining cows. It is yet to be revealed if any action is to be taken against animals, such as sheep a creature which has always been thought of as mentally inferior.
- Ian Jack "Ian Jack investigates the strange case of the vanishing cow". Guardian Online, June 20, 2009