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1 April 2009
UNCYCLOPEDIA, The Internets -- Residents and users of the sleepy Internet website Uncyclopedia woke to mass devastation and disruption this morning after at least one evil wizard visited overnight. Many told of their horror and begged the question, "Why? Why did this tragedy happen to us? We are good people who surely do not deserve such a thing." Eyewitnesses who claim to have observed the wizard say that he was around six feet tall and shrouded in darkness with fiery eyes, leading some to speculate early on that he was in fact a goth sworn to vengeance after being offended by the site's articles on Satanism before the full extent of the destruction became clear. Some people also reported that he was accompanied by what appeared to be a remotely-controlled drone aircraft, which may have been equipped with missile capability such as those used by unmanned US craft in Afghanistan, in the shape of a small brown owl.
The wizard first struck at the site's internationally-famous Main Page, classified as a World Heritage Site, where his evil magic caused so much damage that Wikia - fascist overlords who have controlled the previously-independent Uncyclopedian state for some years - decided that the cost of repairs would be too great and as a result declared it an insurance write-off, effectively shutting down the site and closing all official communications links with the outside world. Hundreds of thousands of Uncyclopedians have fled their homes, many of which were destroyed during the attack and have become refugees wandering about the local countryside, creating worldwide fear of a vast humanitarian crisis. Neighbouring wikis such as Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Dramatica and Illogicopedia say they will not offer asylum or aid to them, which has drawn criticism from many countries. "It is all very well for those in the affluent West to attack us for refusing aid to Uncyclopedia," said Encyclopedia Dramatica's president during a press conference today. "But we have little more than they do. We are a very poor website and many of our users are starving. We do not even benefit from the funny jokes harvest which in the past has made Uncyclopedia comparatively rich."
Nobody is 100% certain where the wizard came from; though Western intelligence agencies believe he may have originated somewhere in one of the website's lawless Northern Tribal Regions, possibly the disputed region Awiz' Ardidit, and that the attack may have been a protest against certain unpopular administrative decisions including the proposed inclusion of advertising which is seen by many in the highly traditional site as unwanted Westernization. There have also been sightings of a man who fits the wizard's description in the Wizardistan desert province situated in the far West of the site and in the M' Illslane southern villages which have largely resisted attempts by the site's ruling elite at modernisation and are believed to harbour terrorist groups opposed to the local government.
Later during the day, the wizard struck again in Uncyclopedia's Votes for Deletion region where he planted a number of IWMUDs (Improvised Wiki MarkUp Devices) which were successful in causing widespread damage and terror. VFD is one of the most industrialised areas of the entire wiki and the attack is likely to put modernisation and development of the website back many years. "The people of VFD have been instrumental in shaping our site's future," said one user who was injured in the attacks. "What they have achieved in improving the quality of life experienced by all Uncyclopedians is beyond belief. But that's all gone now. It's like we've gone back to the Dark Ages. We'll have to become civilised all over again."
As one might expect, Bono and Bob Geldof were quickly on the case and have created Aid to Uncyclopedia, a charity which they say will be devoted to providing financial help to the website and food aid to its inhabitants - many of whom lost all their possessions and livelihood in the attacks - while also ensuring press coverage for the pair who have been enjoying very little media attention for some weeks. Benefit concerts which will be held simultaneously in a number of cities worldwide are being planned for June of this year with live Internet links between each event. "We hope that the concert will raise around $50,000,000," says U2 frontman Bono. "Of course, I could have just written a cheque for that amount and not even noticed the money missing from my bank account - but this way, the average prole can feel that they too are helping those less fortunate than themselves." Geldof, meanwhile, says that he is "more shocked by the awful tragedy" than he has been about anything since he last attempted to listen to a few of his old records from the Boomtown Rats days and was struck by their unbelievable shittiness. "What those poor people are going through, seeing their whole world torn apart like that," he says. "It's beyond words. I mean, like, wow. It's fucking magical or something."
A televised appeal will be shown on various networks this evening. UnNews may bring you further reports, but it's not very likely.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|