UnNews:Evil Santa Claus Captured
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Evil Santa Claus Captured
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 08:52:UTC)(
7 June 2009
Kentucky's Nation Prison, Kentucky--On this day, a fake Santa Claus was captured after a failed kidnap attempt. But this was no ordinary Santa Fraud. He's not the man who shot at a Christmas party, but even worse; Evil Santa Claus.
Unlike the good old Saint Nick we all know and love, this guy was totally different. Santa Claus is pure good, jolly, and friendly, while Evil Santa Claus was pure evil, horrifying, and hostile. While Santa comes on Christmas only Evil Santa comes anytime, anywere, anyday, rain or shine. He takes many forms, but his true form is very evil and sinister.
"We finally caught that son of a bitch," said a Kentucky Police officer. The Evil Santa was attempting to kidnap a boy named Timmy who was on the naughty list (his naughty list) for unknown reasons. When he was about to go down the chimney, a professional sniper shooter from the marines, named John Anderson, was coming home from combat pratice. After seeing the Evil Santa and knowing it's not Christmas he got out his trusty sniper rifle and shot him down. After falling from the house he landed in the yard and was mauled by attack dogs.
The Evil Santa has commited many crimes over the years. He murdered Billy Jr., age 8, in 2004 by giving him a trained killer hamster in a cage and when he opened it the hamster ripped him open and ate his intestines (the hamster was then brutally and mercilessly killed by cats). In 2005 he placed acid Play Dough in a present. Scott, age 12, came in contact with it and his hands were melted and he bled to death. The same year, he burned down a Christmas tree shop, destroying 30 Christmas trees. In 2006 he placed a present for William, age 11, that contained scissors wih a note that says "run around while holding them for a magical time," with obvious results.
Two days later, he sang an evil version of "Santa Claus is Coming", which caused many kids to have nightmares, caused adults to either commit suicide or become mentally insane, and old men started to chop off their hair. In 2007 he was approached at night by Derek, age 12, and gave him a toy ball with poison all over it. But his plan backfired, as it turned at the boy was immune to and realized that he was not Santa, then pulled out his dad's 12 gauge and shot at Evil Santa, who escaped in critical condition. He blew up a house in 2008 which killed Brock, age 19, with a bomb in a present. He blew up a Christmas store destroying many Christmas decorations. But now his crimes will finally come to an end.
After police and S.W.A.T. arrived, they immediately tackled him to the ground, taking four hours to subdue him, despite his major injuries. He was placed in Kentucky's national prison and his trial will begin, possibly the death penalty. But he still making those death threats saying, "YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER CRY, YOU BETTER RUN AND I'M TELLING YOU WHY, COS SANTA CLAUS WILL FIND YOU IN TOWN!
The Marine sniper was awarded with the Kick Evil's Ass award and six hundred million dollars for being a great hero. There have only been 2 people worldwide who have ever gotten the award.