UnNews:Everything is shit
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Everything is shit
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 02:01:UTC)(
12 February 2011
DUSSELDORF, Germany -- Several world leaders came together in Germany today to make a worldwide announcement that "everything is shit".
According to the statement, for a long time nearly everything was shit, however due to recent developments everything is now shit. The Government went on to clarify that those things that weren't shit are now "well and truly shit" and things that were shit anyway have only gotten worse.
Rises in fuel costs are among the things to blame for the news, which have made transport of any kind a luxury that only those with full time employment can afford. The complete and total lack of full time employment is of course another factor in this. Other issues include overpopulation, declining international health and the rise of Paedophilic Nazism in Western Europe. Things that were initially considered "not shit", or even "good" include music and sex, however this is no longer the case. The quality of music has been steadily declining since 1979, and people's sex lives have become so jaded that those few who are actually getting any can now only be aroused by pissing on each other. And incest.
Immediately after the conference, British Prime Minister David Cameron made a personal address on the subject: "This country as gone to the dogs," he said. "I don't know how it got so bad. All I know is that my arachnid overlords have assured me that everything is shit, and I, for one, am inclined to agree with them." Following this an enormous spider coiled its legs around Cameron and proceeded to ingest him.
Across the Atlantic, newly-inaugrated President Zog echoed Cameron's sentiments, stating: "We will wipe the human scum from the face of the Earth. For Vashtara!" Which, of course, was met by thunderous applause from the crowd.
For the most part, the reaction from the public has been one of total apathy. One citizen we interviewed told us "I don't have time to answer questions, my wife has just gone into labour, I was supposed to be in the pub half an hour ago," - which would seem to prove our point. Not everyone is so blasé about the sitation however, Professor Hogson of Easter Island University has urged the public not to panic. "This despair we're all facing will destroy us," he said. "My advice would be to pay it no mind. It can drive a man to do despicable things." Professor Hogson is currently in custody pending charges of raping and killing disabled children.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|