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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 18:37:UTC)(
4 January 2009
Everything is fine. This may contradict what everyone has told you but it really is. People are now recovering from the effects of the world ending a few days ago. Headaches are receding and livers ‘will’ recover from poisons that the evil end of the world pixies served them. Calm down everything is fine. You are not going to die. Nothing bad will happen.
edit Why you might have thought things were not fine and dandy
The reasons everybody thought we were dying are numerous (well there are two but two is a number). Firstly, there was a day in late December when all the shops closed for some bogus religious holiday. The next day, a lot of people went shopping because they hadn't been able to go shopping the day before and the shock of that was too much for addicted consumers to bear. One hysterical woman stated:
“Whilst I was cooking an obese chicken, some oil jumped out of the pan landing on the work surface and one drop landed behind the cooker, I went to get some cleaning liquid to wipe the oil off but to my dismay I had very little left. I had to go a whole day dreading someone carrying a mirror would drop it behind the cooker and in the process of retrieving it would notice that there was a very small drop of oil on the back of the cooker.”
edit Don't panic remember everything is fine now.
Everything is fine now.
edit The second reason you may be worried
We'll tell you that after we go to some retard with sports
Your team lost!
edit Thanks for that dumbass, now for the other reason people were worried
Since March people have been concerned about global warming. This was not global it only affected the northern hemisphere, the southern hemisphere actually got colder but Scientists never care about what happens to poor people so this was not on the news.
Anyway a lot of people were concerned that the good half of the world was getting warmer and that we might no longer be the cool hemisphere because we were warming up. But it is now cold. Ha take that Samoa.
Well, there you go then.