UnNews:Everybody must get stoned
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Everybody must get stoned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 22:06:UTC)(
25 July 2006
BEIRUT -- Reminiscent of hits from 10 years ago, 1 year ago, and just last week, PFC Bob Gwertz of Milwaukee recounts how this week’s events in the Middle East remind him of his tour of duty in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
"Yeah, we would just go for a drive, and pow we would take a few hits. At first they were small, and they only knocked us off our feet." "Later, the hits were getting larger in size, and oh yeah we were seeing things flying all over, it was a total trip." "One time I got stoned, yeah, it went straight to my head and knocked me out for two hours."
Today, people are still getting stoned in Iraq and Afghanistan. For a period Iraq had a severe outbreak of persons getting stoned, whereas Afghanistan, considered the Opium capital of the planet, not so many people where getting stoned.
According to UN sources, for the last year Afghanistan calmed down to a point where very few people were getting stoned. Iraq contrasted this and experienced a record high of persons getting stoned this past year. President Bush responded to this by sending more troops over to Iraq. Bush is rumored to change the name of the Republican Party to the Ganja party.
Recently, Iraq had the mountainous decision of voting for the next party and deciding who would rule a democratic Iraq. Nobody could decide, so everybody got stoned.
Iran over the past 3 years has had a low incidence of people getting stoned, which contradicts Middle Eastern habits. To alleviate the problem, Iran together with Syria, sent people to Iraq to where the action was. "Why should Iraq have all the fun," commented the premier of Iran.
In Mumbai, India, not very far from the action in the Middle East, a massive hit was taken on a train. According to Police who broke up the party last week, more than 600 people got stoned.
Currently, the Israelis have been keeping it on the home front. Hezbollah sent a few packages to places like train stations and watched a total blow-out, and cheered to see that everybody in the immediate vicinity got stoned.
Bible-beating Baptists were seen fleeing Israel and Lebanon these past two weeks as Israel responded to Hezbollah’s actions. "Oh yeah, we can party too," stated former prime minister of Israel Henry Kissinger.
Hundreds of thousands of Lebanese were seen getting stoned this week as massive plumes of smoke were seen rising over various residential areas. Today, in South Beirut during a simultaneous hit, a massive smoke plume about the size of a city block was seen rising into the cityscape. No one has begun to estimate how many people got stoned there today.
Presdent Bush had this to say about the current events in Middle East, "Its not right, I'm tired of the shit from Hezbollah. It looks like everybody must get stoned. I'm going to ask my friend Howard Dean to come with me to the Middle East and take care of things."
Howard Dean had this to say in response to the President's challenge, "BYAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget the twinkies!!"
- Yuri of the former KGB