UnNews:Environmentalist straps himself to back of whale to protest bulldozing
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Environmentalist straps himself to back of whale to protest bulldozing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 6, 2016, 12:10:UTC)(
17 August 2006
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SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Spectators on the shore of San Francisco Bay, California, watched with uncertainty today as a man fitted with nothing more than a meek flannel shirt, denim shorts, and a snorkel braved the dangerous waters of the bay strapped to the back of a 150-ton Blue Whale. Hanging on by nothing more than a home-made rope of braided twine and whale sinew, the man lasted for a full eleven hours as the animal thrashed among the waters during the Blue Whales' yearly mating ritual.
Upon being rescued, the 42-year old man, an accountant and environmentalist from San Francisco itself, showed no signs of injury other than two broken legs, a shattered jaw, and a dislocated shoulder, though he was very much covered in whale juice and krill. When asked why he strapped himself to the back of a Blue Whale in the middle of San Francisco Bay, the man replied, "I was protesting them building a new movie theatre on 73rd Street. They gonna bulldoze my great-great-great-grandpapa's shrub garden! I can't let em do that, no sir-ee, nuh-uh. So to stop em, I strapped myself to this here whale's big blue backside..."
Unknown to the man, whose name will be kept confidential to protect his reputation, his thrice-great grandfather's shrub garden, a meager half-acre patch on the near outskirts of the city's entertainment district, had been bulldozed a mere two hours after he strapped himself to the whale. This goes to show that environmentalists really have...no common sense what so ever.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|