UnNews:Environmental Activists to become more 'Active'
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Environmental Activists to become more 'Active'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 26, 2016, 04:34:UTC)(
3 April 2008
SECRET HEALTH-SPA IN UNSPECIFIED EUROPEAN COUNTRY— A spokesman from the famous environmentalist group Greenpeace has announced today that members of the group were guilty of 'slacking and getting fat like police officers', and is planning on making changes to the Greenpeace manifesto to make members undergo daily exercise. Proctor said their new slogan would be: 'Slim. Get Thin. Time to Get Active Again.'
Forrest Proctor, a whippet-thin blonde-haired fellow said: 'A lot of us are starting to look like that Michael Moore guy, who is himself one big toxic chemical. It's because our web presence is too big, and too many people think they can save the forests by clicking their fiber-optic, eco-friendly mouse on some web petition or other. What we need to do, is get out there, sit up and switch off our computers, and get active! By shedding pounds, waving banners, and running around like a loosely-organised set of free-range chickens, we can make Greenpeace a fitter force! I blame it on Greenpeace's hippie-roots - too many of us are sitting around smoking weed, getting hungry or 'the munchies' as a result and eating shedloads of food.'
One journalist pointed out that the organization would not have its catchy name had its members never smoked weed - as it is thought that a stoner came up with the concept of an anti-nuclear movement after having smoked a particularly strong piece of green.
Proctor confirmed that a recent episode where members of Greenpeace attacked Japanese whaling ship was indeed a 'health building exercise'. 'Yes, by throwing the packets of anthrax at the Japanese whalers, we are developing upper-body strength which will be useful when we need to break the necks of those who are contributing to the destructions of our oceans.' This menacing statement elicited a noticeable gasp from the gathering of journalists: Proctor sought to reassure them: 'Just kidding, by the way. We won't break their necks anyway.'
Proctor then promised to publish the full plan in an up-and-coming conference, however progress in this direction has been limited, as many would have to sail to the conference in Hawaii, which is against their notion of 'preserving the oceans', the findings still have to be printed off onto paper, which is against their cause of 'saving forests', and as several high-profile guests would be delivering speeches during the conference, there would be unusual levels of hot-air, thus contributing to climate change.