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17 March 2006
Associated UnPress, Washington – Surrounded by a throng of reporters and photographers, Jessica Simpson appeared in the halls of Congress on Thursday, pushing hard for the furthering of her image as a bubbly, empty-headed blonde largely incapable of even the simplest thoughts.
"I’m here to bring attention to a really bad problem," announced Simpson, who was taking visible care to sound out the consonants in her words, "a problem that affects millions of Americans."
When pressed by reporters to clarify what that problem was, Simpson batted her eyelashes and smiled demurely as the flashes of dozens of cameras blazed away.
After a hushed discussion with a member of her entourage, Simpson again spoke.
"I’m here to promote Operation Smile," she gushed before the look of complete bafflement spread across her face. "For Americans who can’t smile?"
After another hushed discussion with her entourage, she spoke yet a third time.
"I mean for Americans with cleaved pilates," she said, giggling. She then turned in profile to the cameras, arched her back and made a pouty face before continuing. "Those are a problem."
Simpson then posed for photographers for the next thirty minutes and answered no further questions before leaving the Capitol in a stretch limousine. Analysts can only speculate what, if anything, the young starlet had come to Congress for.
"Obviously, she came to express her support of the War on Terror," opined Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), "and to show off that ass. What a tight ass on that one."