UnNews:Enron's Skilling claims innocence as wallet doesn't fit
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Enron's Skilling claims innocence as wallet doesn't fit
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 23, 2016, 12:09:UTC)(
11 April 2006
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(Houston, Texas) Enron's former Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling proclaimed his innocence in court today, vowing to find "the real fraudster." In his first day of testimony at the corruption trial, the beleaguered man faced a skeptical jury. His attorney promised "loads and loads of cash" for each juror that promised to acquit his client. "I'm going to buy myself a gold shower curtain with the money," revealed juror #4, "just like convicted Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski had."
Skilling claims he was framed by an evil left-wing conspiracy, and that former Enron CEO Ken "Kenny Boy" Lay is the real criminal. Lay has already been pre-emptively pardoned by president Bush in return for his campaign contributions.
In the day's most dramatic moment, Johnnie Cochran came back from the grave to defend Skilling. He presented what police claim is the wallet of "the real fraudster", filled to the brim with laundered cash. The wallet was so thick, it would not fit into Skilling's pocket. "You all know the cliche," proclaimed Cochran, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit, or at worst send my client to a minimum security prison like you did for Martha Stewart."
The prosecution admitted it has a tough time with this case. "These insider trading irregularities are too complex for the average American idiot to comprehend," confessed chief prosecutor Matlock. He added, "It's a lose-lose situation. Even if he does go to prison, he'll emerge a hero - like Tupac did back in 1993."
While Enron is still in the process of liquidating its assets to pay off greedy investors, much of the money the company should still have remains missing. Skilling claimed he had no hidden off-shore accounts, but a phone call to the Caribbean island of St. Lucia revealed that the island nation is being renamed "St. Skilling" for "unrelated reasons" - as claimed by an anonymous government official.
The trial is expected to continue for another 4 weeks, but may be shortened to 3 if Court TV's ratings fall short of expectations.