UnNews:England to join mainland Europe
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England to join mainland Europe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 12:28:UTC)(
31 December 2006
London, England - Although it has refused to adopt the eurodollar instead of the pound sterling as its standard currency, England, which also calls itself both “Britain” and “The United Kingdom,” or “UK,” in the interests of showing solidarity with others of its ilk, has resolved to become part of mainland Europe.
The island nation has already relinquished much of its sovereignty to the European Union. It allows the organization of European nation-states to determine matters of English law. It has also sought to maintain relations with the rest of Europe, from which it is cut off by the English Channel, by sharing the funding and operation of the Concorde SST, ferry lines, and, more recently, the so-called Chunnel, an underwater tunnel that connects England with France. However, Prime Minister Tony Blair, recently back from a on-board party in Miami, FL, during which his private jet, carrying nearly 350 passengers, ran off the runway because of a drunken melee, announced that his nation would fund the draining of the English Channel and a construction of a European Union Park on the land that is thereby reclaimed.
“No other land-bridge was anywhere near as large,” Blair told Parliament, “except the one that once connected Russia with Alaska across the Bering Strait, but that was the work of nature, not humanity,” the prime minister added, displaying the hubris for which he and his administration are known around the world.
Critics contend that the project is too costly, with a projected budget of £4.5 billion (approximately $9 billion in U. S. currency). They also contend that the park is unnecessary, since there are already adequate means by which for travelers to go back and forth from England and France.
While Blair admits that the park may not be “necessary” to facilitate transportation between his country and the rest of Europe, it is a “powerful symbolic gesture of unity and solidarity,” and, as such, should be undertaken.
The park will be the length of the English Channel at its narrowest point (21 miles) and approximately 10 miles wide. “That’s quite a bit of dredging,” Blair admitted, but he said that the Dutch have agreed to assist in the operation, bringing enormous experience to the enterprise as a result of creating the shoreline of much of the Netherlands and all of its Flevoland Province after God forgot to do so.
To finance the project, England will raises taxes to 78.8 percent of every English worker’s income and will sharply curtail public services, furloughing its military forces, reducing its police and firefighting personnel by 78.8 percent, and closing 1,000 hospitals. In addition, Parliament has voted unanimously to sell the crown jewels and to put the queen on an annual pension of £20k (approximately $40,000 in U. S. currency). Individual contributions are also being solicited, and, for each £100 (approximately $200), a brick will be set in honor of the donor or his or her designated honoree. Prince Charles said that he “may donate £100 in memory of my late wife, Princess Diana, if doing so will get the bloody British press off my back.”
The park will be handsomely landscaped, and statues of European leaders will occupy the perimeter of a huge circular area, The Inner Circle of European Powers, similar in theme to the U. S. Capitol‘s Statuary Hall, with individual nations electing their statuary representatives. Among the honored statesmen will be Sir Winston Churchill (England), Charles de Gaulle (France), Adolph Hitler (Germany), and Benito Mussolini (Italy), the latter two of whom have proven to be controversial choices.
“I think it’s a great idea!” President Bush exclaimed. “Maybe this can be the first step toward building Pangea again.”
Pangea is the one-world continent that scientists believe once existed before cataclysmic geological events divided it into precursors of its present state, in which, according to the fancy of geographers, there are nine continents.
“Pangea,” the First Lady repeated, impressed. “I didn’t know George knew three-syllable words.”
The park is expected to take at least a decade to complete, provided funds do not dry up before then.
- Lotta Lies "One small step for the Brits, but one giant leap for mankind". Wikipedia, December 31, 2006