UnNews:England shocked by occurrence of summer for 21st year in a row
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England shocked by occurrence of summer for 21st year in a row
We distort, you deride
Monday, May 25, 2015, 19:48 (UTC)
19 July 2006
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LONDON (UNN) — With temperatures in the mid-thirties (90°F in pre-decimal currency), the denizens of England have been profoundly shocked at the recent spell of hot weather, which has been unlike any spell of hot weather since at least 2005.
Commuter Keith Chavtoss, on the Great Circle Line of the London Underground, said: "It's really 'ot, guv! You know wha' I mean? It don't usually get that 'ot in England, you know? Well, apart from last year. Oh, and the year before that. And the one before that one. But still, it's unprecedented, innit!"
Met Office investigators have gone so far as to suggest that the unprecedented seasonal heatwave is part of an annual pattern of hot weather between the more normal English seasons of spring and autumn. John Kettley, who is apparently a weatherman (as are Michael Fish, Billy Giles, Ian McGasgill and Wincy Willis), explained: "Records going back as far as the late 1980s indicate that we do get [such weather] every year, despite the fact that we are on the same latitude as Canada, where as everyone knows it is freezing all the year. My advice is to try ignore it and hope it goes away, which we are pretty certain it will eventually." When asked what happened in 1987, he noted that they were "too busy teasing Michael Fish that year" for some reason and had lost any records.
High Street shops have reported an upsurge in sales of fans, as they did last year. A spokesperson from
Curry's Dixon's Curry's Digital Curry's apologised for their lack of stock, saying "We didn't anticipate this level of heat this year — we never thought we'd get a twenty-first hot season in a row!" As with previous years which had an unexpected hot mid-year season, consumers are expected to discard the fans and put them in landfill around September, as it is considered unlikely that such a hot season will ever reoccur.
A spokesdroid for National Rail blamed timetable delays and cancellations on the wrong type of tumbleweed.