UnNews:England lose World Cup
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31 March 2010
MUNICH, Germany -- The dream is officially over. England have lost the World Cup. Distressed sponsors, replica shirt manufacturers, ticket touts and others watched in disbelief as England's star striker and Shrek-look-alike Wayne Rooney limped off when his team Manchester Busted Flush United lost 2-1 to Bayern München 1938 in the European Champions League.
In an attempt to help Germany win the World Cup again, a player from the opposing team ran backwards and trod on Rooney's ankle. A look on Rooney's face immediately told everyone watching that England's right to the Football World Cup which is be held in South Africa this coming June was over once again. So the best chance in a millennium for England to win the World Cup since 1066 when a French team of Normans won with a late arrow in the eye...Sorry...we mean 1966 when England beat Germany 4-2 to win the Jules Rimet Trophy.
A distraught Rooney hobbled off the pitch and was gracious to say, "You Fookin' Germans...You Fookin' Germans..." in his broad Liverpudlian accent to the Dutch manager of Bayern München, Johan Mainza Grolsch. The red faced Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson said it was a 'football accident' and as Scotsman, he would be cheering on Brazil at the World Cup anyway as his own country were not there - again.
So far there has been no comment from England Football's Italian-born manager Fabio Capello. He wanted to assess Rooney's injury to see if it was serious, and would now increase his bet on Italy winning this year. Fabio said he expected Rooney would recover but that another kick in the shins would rule him out of the team.
A spokesman for England was eventually found emerging from a pub without his shirt or trousers on to give his opinion about Rooney's injury. Putting down his beer glass and knuckle dusters and wiping blood from his hands, the fan eventually spoke.
When me and my mates saw Rooney get clobbered all we could think of was THANK GOD WE ARE CHELSEA FANS. But seriously...are you foreign...?...coming over to our country, taking our football jobs, playing with my wife, speaking Russian...
(..at which point, the interview was terminated by the arrival of a van load of policemen to calm the crowd down and escort them down to the station for a compulsory visit..)
News on the extent of Rooney's injury are still pretty sketchy but this won't stop respected news organisations like UnNews from speculating to fill up a thin news schedule. Meanwhile, worried merchandise owners with warehouses full of tacky patriotic trinkets will have to think of ways to recycle them if Rooney's injury stops him from going to South Africa. Only one street trader was prepared to speak to us, but on the strict understanding he could remain anonymous for sales tax purposes.
Unlike David Beckham, Rooney is no oil painting unless you think of Edvard Munch's The Scream. Rooney is pug ugly but we thought he would be a winner. Now he has let everyone down. I feel commercially betrayed....are you looking for teeshirts of Wayne's wife Coleen showing off her hooters in Spain..?