|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
18 February 2013
Medical experts have labelled the English as the 'fattest, most unhealthy people in Europe' in a shock report. The Fat of Old England has now outgrossed the Germans, Italians and even the Greeks when it comes to standing on the scales.
A report from the Academy of Medical Royal Colleges (AMRC) say the English disease of eating crap and washing it down with a lot of gut dissolving coke has lead to a 'weight crisis'. Now experts want all children to be fed on gruel and horse meat bovril. For cereal abusers, English fatties will be sent to Health Camps which will be run by super fit Germans with machine guns, vicious dogs and a lot of Teutonic mockery.
British Prime Minister David Cameron has pledged to start the fat rolling of his body by shunning French sourced meat pies in the name of 'food patriotism' . He says this is the worst crisis to hit the country since England failed to win the World Cup in 2010.
"I am not one to mock medical people but we are all in this together. We are becoming what we eat and that doesn't look very pleasant when served up boiled and covered in salt. This country must rally again as we did in 1940. We have got to fight the flab!"
"I have long accepted taunts like 'bacon face' and 'runny trotters' for years. Now when I look out of my sty, I see people as porky as me waddling off to McDonalds where some of my relatives have recently moved to it. Even I wouldn't eat there..and now, if you excuse me, I hear someone is dropping some tasty vegetables in my trough."