UnNews:England's fallen football stars seek asylum
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England's fallen football stars seek asylum
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 10, 2016, 16:50:UTC)(
27 June 2010
Bloemfontein, South Africa
England's football team will look for any other country to take them in to avoid anger from home fans after they failed at the World Cup today.
Following England's crushing defeat 4-1 to Germany in the
World War Three World Cup game at the Free State Stadium in Bloemfontein
, the team's unvictorious stars like Shrek Rooney, Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard are looking for a safe place outside their home country to spend more time with their money. Others like John Terry are thinking about changing their names too. The Italian manager of the team Fabio Capello is said he is ready to be hung upside down from a garage forecourt if that would help anyone but asked the English Football Association to pay off the rest of his contract.
So far a number of countries have turned down England's players including Kuwait, Dubai and Monaco on the grounds that they were not good enough - or rich enough - to be granted asylum. Only Argentina has agreed to take them where they will be installed in Diego Maradona's museum of sporting curiosities.
Weary English fans who had watched the game on television or had travelled to South Africa were equally depressed and shocked that the British press like The Sun and Daily Mail had got it wrong again with their predicitions. Many had expected that England would be in the final and score at least six goals against Brazil. Now many said they will blast their vuvuzelas and wave a German flag if they saw any of their former heroes back on the pitch again.
I am totally ashamed to be English, said one fan. I am going to ask Sky Sports TV to give me a discount for the next season.
Now many fans are hoping that England will sack Capello and replace him with David Beckham, with his wife Victoria Beckham re-designing their kit. Then they hope that with some luck at the next football tournament, England will be lucky with an out break of food poisoning against all the other countries taking part. Other suggestions from fans for new manager include Simon Cowell and Alan Sugar who are said to be good at least weeding out freak English football players like Peter Crouch and Matthew Upson.
An American commentator for ESPN , former president Bill Clinton said that it had always baffled him why the English had invented a game that everyone else except them could play a lot better. Clinton said that this would not happen in the USA where all American sportsman are expected to wear expensive body armour to play team games or growth hormone treatment to take part in basketball.