UnNews:End of Mars
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End of Mars
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 09:23:UTC)(
14 September 2008
NUREMBERG, Germany - Sad news has come today. Scientists have announced the end of Mars is coming. After decades of researching Mars' trademarked reddish glow, it has been discovered that it is caused by planetary consumption.
"This is a very sad development," said John Mercum, one of the scientists who made the discovery. "A few months ago, we found micro-organisms in the Martian dust. We were hoping this could be the first sign of Mars being a habitable place for future human development throughout the universe. Unfortunately, tests we ran showed that the bacteria was actually the deadly hydronuclide potassioxide testicular virus, or planetary consumption."
According to astronomers at the Jimmy Carter Observatory, the symptoms of planetary consumption include a reddish glow, writing poetry about a kingdom by the The Kuiper cliff, the appearance of rivers of blood coming from the craters, an increased surface temperature, massive dust storms, and, finally, the eruption of the planet's core. The planet Mars is suffering from almost every symptom, and, according to John Mercum, the end is expected in by the end of the month.
Doctors and astronomers worldwide are saying there is no cure nor is it possible to find where Mars may have contracted the disease, and we'd be better off trying to cure HIV or cancer with a toothpick than trying to find out. I, as an expert journalist, completely agree.
- Dr. Stewart Biggock "Mars: 13.5 Billion B.C. - September 2008 A.D.". New Scientist Space, September 13, 2008