UnNews:Emu Tackles Bus Yobs
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Emu Tackles Bus Yobs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 07:00:UTC)(
22 December 2008
Liverpool, UK - It's a tough challenge preventing anti social behaviour on the buses, but Merseytravel believe that they have come up with the solution. Emu, the puppet of the late Rod Hull, has joined forces with bus drivers, in a bid to tackle fare dodging, disorder and violent offenders, and it seems to have paid off. Merseytravel spokesman Thomas 'Scouse Tommy' Collins says "Since the sad death of Rod, Emu has been left idle, with no apparent future. However Merseytravel have given a breath of new life into him, and he's now assisting bus drivers in dealing with the minority who make a misery for our staff and other travellers."
He continued, "We first realised that Emu had both the courage and widespread appeal to deal with these idiots, whilst maintaining a professional and courteous image. The kids love him, the grown ups even more so. Everyone remembers Emu hilariously attacking rapper Snoop Doggy Dog, on the defunct Channel Four series, the Word in 1992. We thought that if he had the fortitude to take on a known gangster, he'd have no travel dealing with a bunch of smelly fare evaders."
Emu has already saved the day on many occasions, the most recent when violent robber, Hamilton Square (19) of Birkenhead boarded a bus heading towards Runcorn, three months ago and tried to rob the driver at knifepoint. Fortunately Emu was able to disarm the youth, and despite receiving a blow to the beak, he defended himself valiantly, ripping off most of Square's face with his powerful jaws of death. Square spent the next three weeks in a coma, before being shipped off to Walton Prison where he was buggered till he bled like a choirboy.
"This is Liverpool", continued Tommy, "We don't mince our words. Merseytravel don't give a toss about what happens to this sewage that makes our buses unpleasant! The public back us all the way!". He also reported that since the introduction of Emu on the Arriva 350 Liverpool to Ormskirk service, there have also been no reports of his arch enemies, Grotbags and that rather camp crocodile boarding the bus, although he could not confirm if they ever used the service in the first place.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|