UnNews:Emperor of Colorado assassinated
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Emperor of Colorado assassinated
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015, 19:10:UTC)(
18 July 2007
Denver, Colorado Sadness permeated the empire of Colorado today, with the news that the popular and extremely intelligent and good-looking emperor had been slaughtered, the victim of an assassin's bullet.
The emperor was just arriving for work, and identified himself to security as the emperor, when he was cut down by unknown assailants. Despite the fact that the emperor was surrounded by armed guards, and was himself armed, his murderer was still able to somehow penetrate his security and kill him.
The emperor was well liked and will be missed by many of his loyal subjects.
"He always had a kind word for the downtrodden." said Nurgal Neet, "Not that he ever did anything to help, but he always had a kind word. 'There, there,' he'd say. I'll miss that."
"I always thought he was just some crazy guy who said he was emperor," said Cliff O'Neill, "But that's just me. I could be wrong. I mean, for all we know, the Heaven's Gate people are on a spaceship behind the Hale Bopp comet right now. Right? I mean, we can't prove it's impossible, so it must be possible, right?"
The emperor will lie in state for three days, after which he will be succeeded by the next person god chooses to be emperor.